my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
i just applied to sign my life away to ups this summer... which will interfere with my birthday and ever dreaming of having a day off with elsbe, as i'd be working ALL weekdays, aside from holidays -when elsbe chooses to work as long as possible.
..i guess this is me trying to grow up or something. i'm really trying... i just don't want to be set to an every weekday schedule to work yet... i want to have a little bit of freedom of choice for my schedule... but elsbe "lectured" me this morning as to how there comes a point where you just... have to. and i guess i've reached that point and beyond... so i'm gonna have to learn how to kiss my summer goodbye for the first time. not even just my summer, i'd be working the same schedule during the school year as well. and they wanted to hire me last time... who says they won't want to hire me this time, just as eagerly, especially because i'm a student now..?
i cried myself to sleep last night, and i haven't really gotten over that feeling yet. i'm tired, i feel rather shitty... but i can't really feel like that, because i don't work and i don't have a bunch of clases to go to, and i don't have everyone else piling their shit on my shoulders, nor is there anything major going on in my family right now... i have to be alright, because i have no reason not to be....
..outwardly...
and because of that, i just... have to be fine. i have to. i can't be tired or feel like shit because... i just can't. it's not right.
..but dammit, it sure has a way of overcoming me.
right now
singing: i have no clue
talking to: christy
wishing: i weren't an apparant lazy ass
feeling: shitty
wanting: to not be cold
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.