my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
so as of eleven o'five this morning, it was official. my aunt was running around up in arms telilng people it was an hour later for a while, but daddy set it straight when he got here.
i love elsbe so much more than before for putting up with me like this for the past two days, over twenty four hours straight aside from classes. hell, we said that she was my sister at the hospital so she could go in with me. she's the one who kept me in there for more than the minute or two i'd kept myself in there for earlier. mom looked... she had a cut on her forehead from where she hit something when falling to the floor, which didn't help the mental image. when i looked at her, she seemed to be swollen almost to the point of being as big as i am. i mainly just stared at the wall and kinda leaned on elsbe once she took my hand. mom wasn't breathing on her own, so there were machines around everywhere... one of the reasons i hate hospitals. a doctor came in and started asking questions and she was originally directing them to me but i differed them to daddy instead. i couldn't conjure up the answers the way she wanted them.
julie met elsbe and i at the hospital, and went and got slurpees and lunch, coming back here and talking for a bit between phone calls. eventually sasha made it, and we all just sat around talking while i made various phone calls.
talked to april for almost an hour last night. i need to call her back tomorrow, as the phone disconnected on us today. while doing so, elsbe came out to check on me and lay down in the back of the truck where i'd been sitting and started singing. still standing, i leaned down and essentially hugged her stomach as i wrapped up talking to april and started getting a bit sleepy.
julie and sash came out, and we all went in not too much later. elsbe and julie left, elsbe saying she was going to try and come back later on, hopefully staying the night with me. sasha and i called around for a while tryign tog et someone to get us some food as we didn't know what we could get into from the fridge, ending up having ashley's mom calling me back later on about it.
..ashley fell apart while talking to me. she moved in at k-state yesterday. can't imagine how that was.
elsbe showed up again without a phone cal, but with a bag and wearing pajama bottoms. she was staying after her brother helped convince her mom to let her stay.
ashley's mom brought us all food, and sasha ended up leaving not too long after so her mom wouldn't totally kill her... it was going on one by that time, i believe.
elsbe and i tried sleeping last night, but evidently i only thought she was sleeping. at a few points i ended up 'waking up' from a dozing state crying. i had one of those half awake dreams... of trying to wake mom up for lunch, which happened on more than one occasion. took forever, as it always did, but she eventually got up. evidently i was mumbling or moaning half the night, which i know was me trying to talk and my mouth just not cooperating with me. i remember one time when i woke up crying to the point of not being able to breathe from my nose and felt her arm around me, and i remember waking up and looking at the clock every hour or two. fromt here, today is mainly a blur... well that is aside from voice class and choir.
choir? the stupidity of people continues to baffle me. getting into alphabetical order in four rows, eleven chairs per row which are not to be moved, should not be a hard task. it took fifteen minutes to do. then we had to get in order in our sections -another three to five minutes. i was a blunt bitch today, especially about things like that.
voice class? people couldn't even sing the damn interval from 'do' to 'mi' without screwing up on their third and fourth tries. it was agonizing and almost torture as i only messed up on an interval going down from 'do' to 'fa' once because i was a bit rusty from summer. i dropped voice class and i am currently enrolled in applied voice, though i know not yet when i shall have said class and who i will have as an instructor.
i got out of that class and walked to the bookstore with elsbe to return the voice book she'd bought for me on her voucher (which i felt horrible about), and received the phone call that it was completely over, that they'd disconnected the machines at five 'till and she gave in at five after.
..that didn't seem to hit as hard as it would have had the things that happened yesterday not happened... if i were still under eighteen and i couldn't get anyone to talk to me about what was going on the way i can now.
elsbe and i were sitting on the couch today when daddy got home and talked to me the first time since sunday, really. elsbe hugged him for quite a while as he tried to talk -he's not used to things like that, but he obviously appreciated it. he sat down next to me and handed me momma's truck keys, saying that i'm getting a permit tomorrow since i'm gonna have to get around somehow -espeically with school. he's got the next week and a half off, so here's hoping that miracles can be worked that will get me driving by the monday after next for school.
i've made the decision that i'm not going to miss anything more than the music theory class i missed today and the psychology class that i missed yesterday due to all of this. my scholarship's only good through four consecuative semesters (as far as i know), and it's already in effect for this one. people tell me i should take the semester off, and i inform them that i financially can't. and, to be honest, enveloping myself in something i love -music- will likely help.
sometime before the end of the week, i'm going to have to grace sumner with an appearance. prier let most if not all of the staff members now, and from what i hear quite a few are concerned. as well, mrs. gast and ms. lamar have been informed -i talked to lamar for the first time since nineth or tenth grade today when she called me back.
at one point in my room... or even outside... i think while sash and kristen were here, elsbe said that we should sing my immortal together at the service if at all possible. the reason? the fact that mom had recorded us with the video recorder she borrowed from jim while we were singing in my room once. she ended up with a mini-concert.
..if i can bring myself to do so, i just might consider that -if we're allowed to. i won't do it without her.
to all of my friends -i love you guys. thank you for showing that you're there and everything the way that you have in the past two days. i appreciate everything you've said and done, even if it does sound trite as everyone has been saying 'if there's anything i can do...' -really, it's meant a lot.
to those who made lj comments/entries and/or saught me out in the halls at school -it means more than you think it does. all who left phone numbers will likely receive phone calls within the next few days... i'm just getting a bit behind in doing them. there's no phone time limit anymore, so feel free to call any time that you see fit to talk to me... but still preferably on the cell phone after, let's say, eleven or so.
to ashley -don't worry. she knew what she needed to know, and lived to see exactly what she'd wanted to see. i'm still here with the cell phone on if you need me -and i believe i'm going to give you the number to my phone card so you can call from a phone in the dorm so i don't lose you every five minutes the way that's been happening lately.
to sash, kristen, meg, and halley -your being here today meant more than you know, no matter how long you were able to stay. i haven't cried today, and i get a feeling i can account that to all of you.
to julie -you really didn't have to take off of work yesterday... and i love you for that. i hope your new boss understood, whatever it was you'd ended up telling them. i'm glad i met that other chick elsbe was hanging out with last year, 'cause she's a good friend.
to elsbe -...you have no idea how much you've meant to me in the last two days. you were there from the very first moment with a hug and a don't worry, which i wasn't too certain i should expect from anyone. i'm sorry you ended up taking the day off, but know that it meant more to me than anything that you've ever done for me in the past. and i'm sorry for the argument(s) you had with your mom about your being here so long and overnight... please let her know that i appreciate her letting your stay over so the very first night wasn't spent alone. i hope you get caught up on that sleep soon... didn't mean to keep you up last night.
and now, i must go to bed -even though i'm still not too tired. i have to force myself to sleep, as i should get up around six thirty tomorrow to leave around seven fifteen. we're stopping at quiktrip for cappucino -i'll need the caffiene even though i hate them- and possible some no-doze for one or both of us. goodnight, all.
side note: this took an hour to write. it wasn't tuesday anymore when i finished.
right now
singing: evanescence in general in my room
talking to: myself for now
wishing: ...
feeling: anxious, sorta
wanting: to be able to sleep
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.