my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
cried for about fifteen minutes just now. kinda came unglued, which i didn't ever get around to doing last night. called her right before doing so, kinda half hoping she'd listen, but deep space nine was on and she was sucked in so i didn't keep her any longer than necessary. told her of the epic battle mom and i had over whether or not she's stupid as i don't do what she says and asked when she'd be over today. she said she probably won't be able to come over as her mom needs help with some music and who knows when she'll be there, and it kinda felt like my heart sunk at hearing that. i think that was my last grasp at having outside contact with someone for today, so my broken self didn't take it all too well.
immediately started crying. the entire time i was thinking to myself i didn't want to do this alone again. i didn't want to have to revert to being in a landa ball crying to myself because no one else is there. it's the most lonely feeling i know of, and i didn't want to have to go through it again. the whole time i sat there thinking that i was completely alone, that there's no reason for anyone to even want to be there at a time like that. everything had gotten to me -from the fact that we're going to end up putting kiddy down as soon as we find out the price and have the money, to what happened yesterday with the girl, to the realization that i need a job, like, yesterday to be able to pay for books and various other expenses. even right now i'm starting to tear up again 'cause i knew when i left the room that i wasn't done... i just wanted to be. i wanted to get out of there and be myself again, but as of now i have no reason to.
i was wrong when i said that i don't want to make any more friends. i do... i don't want to feel alone like this. i want to know that there's more than one person i can call when i'm like this, that if one is busy with their own things that it's okay to call someone else. as of now, i'm not sure that i have that. i don't trust myself to fall apart to just anyone, and there's only two people i've ever completely fallen apart to -her, and the girl. the former who is busy right now, the latter who i won't be speaking with for... hell, i don't even know. seems like it should stay with being forever, but i'm not sure right now. though the way she talked about it in her diary yesterday, it's a burden off her shoulders to not have me to worry about.
i remember someone telling me a couple of years ago that the girl was faking ever being friends with me, that someone had put her up to it or something and that i was just ending up causing her problems and to just leave her alone. the way things ended up happening, i wouldn't be surprised if that were at least partly true at this point. problem being, i actually loved her and considered her family for a very long time. oopsies and oh well to that, i suppose.
right now
singing: everytime // britney spears
talking to: you
wishing: i weren't alone now
feeling: alone
wanting: to be sleeping again
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.