my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
it's done. over. finito. everything's gone. no more.
me: so how's what i said to shannon familiar to you?
kristen: jus a sec
me: yeah.
kristen: wait around on you to see if we can come get you or have your mom drop you off to meet us somewhere, only to find out that you're too tired 'now', or that you've decided not to once it's too late to do something else. and a lot of the time you rarely even put up a fight and simply roll over and let your mom -or whoever- say no and not let you go.
kristen: specifically
me: ok then.
me: erm... yeah. i guess it's a bit familiar, but it's a different situation kinda.
kristen: well i understand that
me: yeah.
me: so why can't we really talk anymore? i mean really.
kristen: brb laundry
kristen: back
kristen: sorry the phone rang too and yeah
me: yeah.
kristen: linig up stuff for tomorrow
me: mhm.
kristen: and the last thign like, you wouldn't want to hear, that i said was bc it was a bout jake and i know you don't like hearing a bout him, and he just happens to have a lot to do with my life right now...
kristen: so that is why i said it
kristen: to spare u
me: i was meaning in gneral, not just with that specific thing.
me: *general
kristen: well all the times i can remember have been bc of him, im sure there are ones i forgot that may have been about other things
me: whenever i try talking to you -honestly about things not related to jake or college- the conversation somehow turns back to that and i just kinda give up with what i had to say.
kristen: well i've been seeing more of him than anyone else cept bob so yeah, its probably going to revert back to him, he is my bf
me: i got that much, and i didn't mean that in a condescending wya or anything.
me: *way
kristen: well what then
me: i's just saying that i'll try to talk to you aobut somehting and before i can really get it out anymore the subject gets changed and i all but have to give up or risk pissing you off or making you want to get offline or something.
kristen: well i guess that explains why we haven't been really talking
me: YEAH it does.
kristen: sounds like a prob u have with me not the other way around at the moment
me: i thought it was the other way around possibly.
kristen: u just said...
me: and.. yeah. just kinda started giving up on saying anything anymore 'cause it was always met with 'yeah' 'sure' 'whatever' whenever i CAN get something meaningful out.
kristen: well then this is the end?
me: do you WANT it to be?
kristen: i asked u, u seem to be the one having a ll the probs with me
me: well from this end it seems like you might have problems with me, but no one's letting me know about this.
kristen: i don't have any problems with you at this point in time
kristen: whne did i say i did
me: then why does it seem like it when i try tlaking to you?
me: *talking
kristen: oh hell, apparently we both have feelings toward letting this fizzle out...
me: then fine. let it. doesn't matter anymore anyway, evidently.
kristen: evidently
me: yeah. nice knowing you and loving you for a while.
it wasn't until after i said that and i'd signed off of messenger after waiting about five minutes for a response to that last line and gone invisible on yahoo that i realized... hey dumbass. you're wearing the shirt she gave you when she got back from england. how are you not supposed to miss that?
initial reaction? at least not i know that i wasted five years of my life on trying to keep something that wasn't meant to stay there longer than the first two and a half or so. that entire reaction hasn't gone away yet, but bits and pieces of what i actually said to her are hitting me and i can't believe myself for them. i promised forever and that nothing like this would happen. whoops, there goes another one of my promises... one of the ones i swore to myself i'd never break.
it doesn't hurt nearly as much as i thought it would. hoping that i didn't tear her up or anything the way i said that, though a large part of me doesn't seem to care even if i did. that's not me. that's definately not me. when the hell did i get like this?
i lied. it wasn't five wasted years... it was five of the better years of my life thus far, comparatively speaking. she was one of the ones who held it all together a lot of the time, and for that i owe her the world. but now? i don't know how i could go about giving that to her anymore... and i was thinking that long before what happened today. she was the first one to see me completely come unglued, the one who said it was alright the night i went home at two in the morning because i couldn't take what was happening to me anymore. it almost feels like i'm the one who threw it all away...
..but she stopped listening long before today. it wasn't all me. i tried until about a week ago, and i can say that as truely as i can say that i loved her.
loved her. why does it all seem to be gone already? doesn't seem right to be able to just turn off all emotion to a person who was such a large part of your life for so long... especially one who you called sister for ninety percent of that time.
it's all gone somehow. it'll hit me later tonight and i know it, but right now... i'm just numb to it all.
right now
singing: the reason // hoobastank... at the top of my lungs
talking to: mika
wishing: i knew when i turned into that
feeling: numb
wanting: to go to the library
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.