my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
so i had one of the most amazing conversations i've ever had last night. lasted about three hours 'till around one fourty when my parents got home. it fixed everything that i ended up writing about yesterday, which made for a very happy landita. and since then, i've been in a really great mood... one of the best moods in a while.
..that was until about an hour ago.
since then, i've been singing my heart out and ended up leaving a couple of rather long messages on her voicemail. taking a break from the singing as my diaphragm needs a bit of a break... though i'm getting a lot louder than i once was. evidently i need to be in a not-so-hot mood to be able to have presence in some way, 'cause that was pretty fucking good.
yeah, you wanna know what happened don't you?
i guess i can tell you... i suppose.
the girl and i were talking. well, i was talking to the girl for the most part. i hadn't really talked to her in a few days, so i thought it alright to im her for a while -especially as this is usual weekend behaviour for the both of us. originally, i'd asked her a couple of hours before if she had plans for tomorrow so we could possibly do what we did last year. she said yes that she had plans, and that's all that i heard from her for a couple of hours. so later on i tried talking to her again, which i shouldn't have done.
we talked for a minute or so, and i told her that i was trying to throw something together like last year if at all possible. you know what she said? what did you do last year?
...
that was the hilight of the summer, the best point for the three musketeers... ever... and she asked me what it was she and i did last year. the girl didn't include herself. she didn't even fucking remember... at all.
you were with us though.
doesn't mean i remember.
well then... i thought you had some sort of an idea.
guess not.
...
i truly and honestly miss having friends. especially good ones. you know, the kind that i thought the girl might have been. i've felt her slipping away for quite some time now, and i'm thinking that she's all but gone at this point. and she doesn't even know it... she's getting more and more oblivious. i miss her... but not like this. i miss the girl that i new a while back, but i know that she's just going to tell me that people change and that friendships should allow for said changing. that's what i get told every single time i try to have this conversation with her. she's still a large part of my life... but it feels like it's getting smaller and smaller by the minute now.
...
yeah. i'm gonna go. mom should be getting here and we're gonna go buy smoke bombs and maybe some kiddie fireworks since daddy doesn't really feel like fireworks this year... just some stuff i can toss and watch i suppose.
..and i'm gonna try to keep from crying, as i still feel like it right now.
right now
singing: everytime // britney spears (it's an awesome song... but she's not too great)
talking to: her voicemail.. at least i was earlier
wishing: people weren't stupid
feeling: crushed, completely
wanting: my friends back
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.