my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
my constant search of finding something to do is getting harder and harder to satiate as of late. doesn't help when she has to work and sasha's out of town for another week. anyone else doesn't seem to care for going out and doing things, at least not anymore... and especially not spur of the moment.
i've resorted to cleaning things off of my computer that i don't need. that should tell you something about how bored i'm getting. and to be honest, i really feel like i need to get out of the house. not a fun thing.
oh, something interesting today. mom sprung driving home from research medical center upon me. anyone from the area will know the distance from there to the edge of wyandotte county isn't exactly small, and that there's a state line to cross in the process. i have no permit or license, so that made for an interesting time. did fine, mom only said shit a few times. allegedly ran over a bush, but i'm not believing it. i don't remember seeing or hearing said bush, let alone running over it. main problem i had was turning once i ended up on the side of the road a bit... and another time i sped up too fast. kept control well though, but i've come to the conclusion that i'll never have a large truck. i don't want to drive something that big.
goal for myself: to have a license at least by the time school starts, maybe by my birthday.
mom has to get surgery in both arms for carpal tunnel and something else that's mixed in with it. during said time, as they're only doing one arm at a time and it'll be forever, i'm going to have to learn to drive a little bit moreso than i have so far. she's volunteering to be in the vehicle with me, and so is elsbe at some point when she's off work and not busy. sounds like i'll be driving by the time school starts... just don't know what yet and how i'll be able to afford it.
...
talked to rachel a bit more today. she's fun to talk to. she asked me what sev was like, saying that she likes knowing the kind of person that another likes. i described her, ending up describing someone else as well... as this person seems to encompass everything that i could ever want in a person. you all know who. and i explained myself and reasonings i haven't been able to write in here... at least until now.
yes, it's true. she seems to be everything that i've ever wanted and looked for in a person. she's just as much if not moreso into music as i am, she's just about the sweetest person i've ever met, we've got everything in common, we just... click together, and we both feel safe with each other. there's an endless amount of trust between us, and that i never thought i would find from anyone. she's irresistably cute and all but demands your attention, those eyes and that smile are enough to make a horrible day feel completely better... and so much more. if things were different with her and between us, she might very well could have been the one -maybe in another life, even.
but. there's always that but there, no matter how you go about things, it's always there to haunt you.
but, i've learned some things in the past two years. it's senseless to continue pining after someone or something that you know you can never have. granted she seems all but perfect, nothing will ever come of it. and thus, all feelings of that type of love for her have gone away -at least for the most part. i will admit that a small part of me still likes her, though i think that part of me always will. she's the first person i've ever felt like that for, and i'm afraid she might be the last. she's my sister, and nothing more. i admire her for who she is and what she stands for, her dynamic personality, and even her looks, but she's my family. it's fruitless for me to be in love with her, so why carry it on any longer?
..i've needed to get that out for a while now.
right now
singing: my immortal // evanescence
talking to: rachel's away message
wishing: there were life out there
feeling: lonely and bored senseless
wanting: to leave
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.