my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
well this started out a comment, but it's long enough i'm just gonna post it as an entry. complete response to jen's comment to me:
prier, boone, and shannon(m) are the only people from school who can see this (livejournal) at this point, until katrina friends me back, for future reference. anyone else is online friends i have.
that's the thing though, i'm not really in love with her or anything. i couldn't and wouldn't allow myself to let it go that far. yes i liked her very much and basically held (and still hold) her above anyone else. though that's as far as it goes. there was a bit of experimentation on her part, oddly enough right before her mom went off on me, but that's it.
and this is the part i forgot to put in my entry:
when her mom said that, everything like that melted away. from that moment, elsbe was my sister and nothing more. it has yet to come back, which is amazing for me as it generally does rather quickly. if i still liked her, that would make all of this even harder than it already is... and it's killing me right now. i don't even want to think about what that would be like. she may be a little bi-curious, but i'm not bold enough to say i'm the one who did that to her - which might very well be right. i think i'm one of her first, if not the first rather un-orthodox friend of hers... at least in the eyes of her family.
neither of us regret a thing that's happened before all of this though. if i weren't bi/essentially a lesbian it wouldn't be the same between us. i don't know about her, but i can't even imagine what it would have been like had i been straight. as it is, she's the closest friend and closest thing to a sister i've had in... well, in my life.
the only reason that i told anyone aside from close friends is because kristen was slipping up from time to time. before i even knew elsbe more than simply matching a name to a face, kristen slipped up and told both her and bobbie on a field trip. she told me this, and i stood on the lunch table outside that day to announce it to anyone who mattered to me. then when i got home that night i told my mom, as kristen said something about how i should if i really believed it. now what everyone doesn't know is that i don't like many guys at all...
we're hoping that by my birthday she's able to stay over again... my parties run late or overnight most of the time, and her being home by midnight would suck majorly. that leaves about a month to hope that things will get better with her mom. i'm scared they might not and that i might lose her all together... though i'm acting more like myself than i normally do when things are getting to me, at least around/for elsbe.
..thank you. what you said means a lot to me.
right now
singing: if you're not the one // daniel beddingfield
talking to: saibur, mika
wishing: it were monday
feeling: bored, sad, lonely
wanting: something to do
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.