my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
as you can see by the .one of my layout, i'm back. lemme know if the font's too hard to read, i'll make it a bit darker or something. can't really tell from my monitor. i'm somewhat changing a bit of writing style in referring to friends by name or not. it'll happen sometimes, but others it won't, for sake of new people reading this and... for a bit more clarity that's been gone for the past few months.
...
so lots of things happened in the past week. lots of tears shed (not all my own), lots of things changing, lots of truth coming out all at once to smite us all. most of it - well i won't lie, all of it - centers around me, elsbe, and her mother, her brother being tossed into the mix from time to time as well. i'm not too sure about my being able to say all of it here, but i'll attempt to say what i can.
monday night, i ended up staying the night at her house instead of her staying over here as originally planned. we slept in her bed together, as we were talking and such before going to sleep, and were facing each other most of the night. evidently when her mom went through to go to her room, she saw that and tried not to wake me up and kick me out of the house right then and there because we evidently looked more like lovers than we did friends... and she couldn't tolerate or handle that idea.
tuesday, we all (me and elsbe's family) went to see shrek 2, courtesy of her mom. the movie was awesome, and we went back to her house. elsbe and i went back upstairs to lay down so she could take a nap, and her mom eventually came up as well - of course while i was in the middle of being tickled to death. essentially, she looked me square in the eyes and said you are in love with my daughter, and spoke of a hidden agenda that i don't let anyone know about, that i might not even know about. my aura is a rather complicated one evidently, rather chaotic as well. this i knew, and i've been trying for a while to learn to restrain it. though there's not too much more i can do about it.
there was more fighting between the two of them, and her mother looked at me and said that it was disrespectful that i wasn't looking at her while she was talking to us. she was only addressing elsbe, so i thought it was alright for me to look away. evidently it wasn't. that's when i started blinking back the tears, as she went on and on to say that elsbe should leave her house if she's going to lead a 'different kind of lifestyle', because she didn't want to see it or be any part of it. it killed me inside as she accused elsbe of all of this just because of my own sexuality.
her mom left the room, and i broke down crying. elsbe put an arm around me and said it was alright, that she probably would have started crying as well, and i continued on - unable to stop myself for the life of me. her mom comes upstairs and elsbe says in an undertone get the hell out of my room. i continued crying as i forced myself to look up at her mom as she laid into me again. i'm evidently going to fail in life if i continue to hide behind my tears all the time - which i don't. at least, not as often as she appears to think that i do.
it's continued on every day this week. she and her mom have been fighting about it, about whether or not she's a lesbian and such, about whether or not i can make her one unbeknownst to me.
::sigh::
it doesn't hurt that her mom hates me and such. what hurts is she kept it in for so long to allow it to blow up into what it is now. i'm not allowed at her house anymore, not even in a group for bonfires. at this point, her car isn't running, so the only way i'll see her is if my mom feels like bringing her to and from - her mother refuses to bring her over here or to pick her up. last night she was here 'till about ten thirty and we were laying down... i hugged her and was fighting having to let her go, as i had no idea when i would be able to see her again. she's here right now, but only because she needed to drop off her car and hitch a ride to wal-mart from us. this might be the last time for... a while now.
there's been much internal turmoil over all of this, wondering if there is a way to fix this or anything like that. there isn't really, at least not anything that i can do. i've resolved to just try and deal with it and move on...
..but then there's moments like a little while ago. elsbe called to let me know she was on her way and said before she hung up i miss you already.
...
i'm gonna go ahead and go. elsbe's here and i've been talking to rachel for a while.
right now
singing: goodnight // evanescence
talking to: rachel, elsbe
wishing: it weren't like this
feeling: depressed
wanting: everything to be normal
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.