my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
today was the last day, at least required day, and i'm glad about it. most of the seniors were short with me today and made me want all the more to not be there. the girl seemed to do it sporadically throughout the day when i would say something with the wrong voice inflection or word something the wrong way... sometimes for no reason at all. bob went to leave, and she took me with her. i was home by twelve thirty today.
i'm going to voice an opinion and i don't want to get bashed or hated or lose a friendship over it.
i swear that when the girl is with jake, she totally changes. she gets short like that, her fuse gets all the shorter, and it's rather easy to get on her bad side. it even lingers once he's gone for a while until she's back to her stereotypical normal. it seems when he's not around it's nowhere near as bad, if bad at all. i love her to death, but i don't know if i can deal with that. i especially didn't want to deal with it today. i told myself that i was going to have a good day and say goodbye to people i wanted to say goodbye to. didn't happen. almost right after the bell rang, it was ruined. i tried to keep up with the happy act, but it died rapodly - probably within the hour.
coming home, i found out that mrs. gast was supposed to stop by. she didn't, as her dog is in the hospital. i tried desperately to find something to do tonight, ending up going to my little cousin's elementary school carnival. of course, i ended up painting faces for a bunch of little kids who wanted ninja turtles. the women who were doing it didn't know how and i said something about being able to do it. i believe i spent an hour doing that. i didn't feel as if i were bothered by anything while i was doing that, amazingly enough. the moment we left, it hit me.
..and then lois asked to spend the night.
so here i am, the night of my last day of school, and i'm sitting here writing an entry as my parents take lois out to pick up dinner. everyone's working or already out doing stuff, so i'm stuck here. i don't want to bug her after work, but i just might for my own sanity... i need to get some things out that writing evidently just isn't doing right now.
i want to do what she did last year. i want to go in my room, shut the door, and only come out for food and the restroom. i feel like going in there and curling up in a landa ball crying right now because i just don't want to face everything and everyone. there's maybe a handful of people i would want around, none of which are available. this leaves me with me, evanescence, various mixed cds i've made in recent months, and my tigers.
the reason is making me cry for reasons unknown to me. i can't even think of what i'd connect that song to at this point, at least not to do this.
...
i'm gonna go. yeah. that sounds like the best thing right now.
right now
singing: the reason // hoobastank
talking to: prier
wishing: i weren't me
feeling: morose
wanting: someone
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.