my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
i swear that the girl has some innate (subconscious) sense of when i'm going to end up saying something to her. last time she ended up giving me a rather nice letter as i handed her a not-so-nice one. this morning i was debating on simply handing her that note and walking away. something made me stay there and holdoff a bit on giving it to her. she soon took out four blank cds wrapped in curled ribbon. i told her what i'd planned on doing and i could just feel her come down in some way. it hurt so much to do it, but i soon gave her the note and walked away.
i tell you, i've never felt so horrible about a gift with no real occasion in all my life. the girl told me when she handed them to me that it was because she's been such a bungmonkey lately that she was giving them to me. it's things like that which stay with me and make me wonder if the way i feel is realyl the way i feel. am i really that upset? did that one gesture consist of enough to make everything better? i'm sitting here bouncing one of the curls, thinking of everything and hoping to come to a final conclusion that solves it all. it won't happen, but i'm hoping.
random people ask me what's wrong, though i know they don't really care to actually listen to what i've got to say. it seemed so natural last night to change from being upset to overly hyper and allegedly happy at the jazz cabaret. i could get used to doing that if i really had to. i can hide all of my feelings and pretend that everything is fine until i'm alone with it all. it came out last night as the best singing i've ever done, and then that damn letter. as long as it's going toward something productive in the end, it might not be so bad. problem being i enjoy getting a full night of sleep now, and i only got four or five hours last night.
in a school of over nine hundered people, i've never felt so alone. those who i'd even begin to try talking to in this building all took advantage of the alleged senior skip day today. until five seconds ago, i was sitting here by myself. doesn't even feel like much of a change though since two people came over here - two who actually talk to each other a lot when together.
i want to disappear, like vapor. if only to be able to melt away to nothing on a whim.
right now
singing: people talking at lunch
talking to: you
wishing: i weren't here
feeling: i'm sorry i can't be perfect
wanting: to not be dumb
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.