my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
ok people. check the last entry and get to it, dammit. only two people have responded. that's a pathetic turn out, especially with the amount of people who allegedly read. i'll be posting all responses here since there aren't too many.
and now to your regularly scheduled entry.
i want to sing right now, but i have no will power to do it anymore. it doesn't feel the same as it used to. even a year ago, it was fun and something that i enjoyed doing. now it feels like an obligation, that i have to do it because i'm good at it and people want me to. well, at least with most things. if i'm in my room or riding around with her, it still feels the way that it used to feel. though, i haven't really had the want to sing too often anymore. when i have, it's been when i'm completely alone or when the music is turned up so loud in her car no one would be able to hear me anyway.
i feel like crying. hell, i've felt like crying all day. i freaked out when robey ended up having vicki and i sing our solos today without any warning, as i'd assumed we would be doing it on thursday and not today. i messed up horrifically, though everyone lied and said that i did fine. robey told me all of these things that i need to do to make them better, but to be honest i don't really care. if people don't like the way i sing, then they just don't. i've done all that i want to do and can do with the songs. today, i just didn't feel like doing it and it was sprung upon me. of course intonation will be off and it'll sound less than energetic. if i knew in advance, i would have been worlds better.
i feel like looking up the requirements for psychology or journalism or something else related to writing for majors. this just doesn't feel like it fits me anymore for some reason. it's likely the wear and tear of having ms. roberson for the past five years, but i'm scared to get into college and find out that this isn't what i want to do anymore. funny, as this is all i can remember wanting to do now. there's the whole bus driver thing from kindergarten, but that was just a five year old aspiration. whatever i end up deciding upon now will likely be what takes over my life. what i need to figure out is what i'm going to do with whatever degree i get, and what i know for sure i want this degree in.
not only this, but it seems like my mere presence is making people more stressed out lately. not just people who i'm really good friends with, but anyone in general that i talk to sometimes. i say one word, someone gets pissy with me. it's hard to deal with, really it is. and i don't know why everyone's feeling the need to take everything out on my lately. i just want to go somewhere with lots of room that's wide open and scream at the top of my lungs from frustration of the passing days. i feel sorry for people who jokingly get mad and such, 'cause i'm ending up going off on them for 'going off on' me. i can't help it, i'm not one to simply let people say things without it affecting me in some way, especially here lately. i want to cry.
top it all off, i'm just an affection whore who doesn't get any of said affection. i told myself i'd never turn into this, but i have. i'm pathetic, officially. why? because i'm lonely and seemingly in need of someone near me a lot of the time. i miss the presence of someone around me or in my arms. and it's stupidly pathetic. there's no reason for me to be like this, so why am i letting it happen?
..because i watch it every day. because i want it myself. because i'm in love with the idea of being loved or in love. because i'm scared of being alone. because i want to cry in someone else's arms instead of the other way around.
right now
singing: eternal // evanescence
talking to: the storm
wishing: it were may 25th
feeling: something
wanting: to love and be loved
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.