my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
upon finding myself some shade and a cool breeze upwind of a row of lilacs, i remember tuesday night before i came home. it is what damned me into the position i'm in right now, yet what made emf eel so free and alive. she and julie may not know it, but i was genuinely happy that night. what simply being away from home didn't do for me, their company and the stars that night did.
it wasn't warm, yet it wasn't unbearably cold either. there was a breeze, though not a harsh one. heh, there was trespassing, though not a major amount. i saw the sky in a way i hadn't been able to for a long time - pure, untouched by the spoils of city life, clear, shining all on its own. i couldn't see the moon where we were, but truly all i needed were those stars in the all but cloudless sky. she and julie picked lilacs, but i couldn't keep my eyes from the sky. i eventually just lay down in the grass, one arm under my head and the other on my stomach, gazing at the stars for the first time in about a year (if not more), even when in the city. despite all of the thoughts racing through my mind, it was a peaceful moment - as was any time i could simply lay and look up. if i could, i would have taken up that moment in time and folded it into my back pocket to take out whenever i wanted.
one of the many things from that night has been a regular thought lately. it's starting to get warmer and soon enough, it will be time for swimming pools everywhere to have people constantly in them. it doesn't hurt until i pick up on the scent of chlorine. it reminds me of when connie would take april and i swimming at the pool at the apartment complex she lived at years ago. she and robin would take us at least once or twice a week. then one day, i had to have been about seven or eight, they decided i should learn to swim without them or the arm floats i'd worn for so long. robin took the floats, connie pushed me in, and i learned that day to swim on my own.
i guess what i need to do now is swim on my own. when i look at garfield or smell the chlorine again i can remember, just as i do when i remember treading water with support when i find my arm floats from so long ago. but until that time, i need to go on with what i always do and not miss her so much, not obsess over things or letting them take over so much. i need to just live my life the best way i can. i didn't really ever think of that day as a day of learning a life lesson, but i can understand how it would be seen as one now that i'm older.
right now
singing: give unto me // evanescence
talking to: sash
wishing: advil worked
feeling: reminiscent
wanting: body aches and burns from yesterday to goa way
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.