my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
i was planning on writing about how i had a wonderful day with her and julie after school, how i got to see the stars in 'the country' for the first time in years, all of the feelings that were brought back to me with less inhibition. it was going to be poetic and beautiful, as well as thought out. though when i walked through that front door, any and all of that went immediately away. all of the lilacs in the free world couldn't have saved me at that point.
after thanking me for the flowers she gave me in order to suck up to mom, i was dug into harsher than i have been in quite some time. though i've been told that i am for manyy years now, i'm not an adult. every couple of hours i'm supposed ot call mom, even if i don't know or care to know how long it's been. it hurts more when she yells at me like that than when she hits me. not one minute into it, i'm grounded for this weekend. goodbye to the plans made for chipotle and slurpees. hello restlessness and likely friday night boredom and solitude, as she'll likely make plans with someone else since i can't leave the house. i don't want to think that, but lately the least wanted alternative is the chosen one.
i had english homework. tomorrow chorale sings for state in olathe. solo/ensemble state is next weekend. pops concert senior tryouts are monday after school. the end of high school is on the horizon. none of this mattered to me until i got home. i was free for a night, i sang unrestricted by my mind's badgering of not being good enough. i lived. and now i'm given a painful reality of what is really to come. my nights won't be like tihs forever; i won't be like this forever. fun fades, happiness fades, freedom fades; the girl i love being fades into oblivion, replaced by the semi-lifeless being whose musings you're now reading.
and again my own stupidity and carelessness kills me. this time though, there's nothing there to soothe it. no music can cure it, no sister is here right now to hold me or be held, no amount of writing can fix this flawed spirit. it seems that more and more, this is my reality. if i could change it on my own, i would. i can't. that's what life is all about, right?
right now
singing: missing // evanescence
talking to: these walls
wishing: i weren't such a stupid fuck
feeling: restrained
wanting: to live like i did tonight
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.