my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
no real entry tonight. i've been doing damage control from what i did earlier today and part of yesterday.
case in point:
_______,
i'm sorry. i'm just tired of dealing with his bullshit. if he were joking around and such, i would have been laughing too. that's the difference between our joking around, he laughs with it when i do most of the time. it wouldn't be a problem if it didn't happen every single day like it has.
wait, you know what? i'm not sorry. i don't think i should have to apologize for standing up for myself. i'm tired of being a doormat for him, for you, for elsbe, for ashley - for anyone. every time there's a disagreement, it's like i'm the only one who ends up hurt, generally the one ending up apologizing whether i'm the one who needs to or not. then there's the whole acting like nothing happened, which happens every time. i admit that a lot of the time it is my fault, but not all of the time.
sometimes it feels like i'm the only one talking, and i don't mean just when you're watching a movie or something. it seems like something's happening and i'm starting to not really know you anymore. the girl i knew would actually want to talk (real conversations) more than about once a week - if that anymore. she'd give fair warning if she was going to be late or unable to do something. now it's seeming like a lot of it's on me now. i'm getting the brunt of the consequences of this when it's a group thing that's in question.
when we were shopping and such on the choir trip, it seemed more like you again. you'd go off and joke around right along with me instead of getting on my case for doing so. though for some time now, i've seen you daily at school and talked with you on weekends, but i can honestly say that i miss you. i don't know what's happening, but it feels like you're going away while you're still an arm's length away - or even less. i don't really like what you're ending up becoming right now, and i'm not alone in this. i miss my sister - she seems to be turning into a distant cousin.
i feel bad for saying all of this, but at the same time i don't. it needs to be said, but i know the timing's wrong. what feels worse is having had this already started when you handed me that note yesterday. my heart sunk after i read that upon remembering this. my timing, i am sorry for, but i'm not sorry for what i'm saying. i love you... but something's not right. now we have to see if this is a 'talk through', a 'fight', or a 'give up a while' situation i guess...
love always,
landa
right now
singing: breathe no more // evanescence
talking to: mika, kristen, jessi, christina
wishing: i didn't back myself into corners
feeling: mur
wanting: slurpee still sounds good
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.