my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
i'm going to try and think of somewhere other than my usual place to go in the morning for school. why? because i'm tired of all of it, and i don't feel like dealing with it. makes me glad that today's monday, i won't have to go to lunch if i don't want to by then. things have been changing, but it seems like no one else has noticed... well aside from me and her, granted we were the ones talking about it last night. and it wasn't that hard to talk to her about it or explain it to her, she was thinking almost the exact same things that i was thinking. though if i were to try and explain it to someone else, there might be some difficulty... especially if it were someone involved in the changes. ultimately, just about anyone from school who reads this diary/journal on a regular basis.
i'm not sure when the changing started happening, though i think it was the summer after tenth grade year - at least that's when it started with a particular person. and along with this, i find it amazing that said person doesn't notice how much change they've gone through in the past two years. there are still hints of their old self from time to time, just enough to keep me hanging on, and then i turn into a doormat again. i still love this person, so i'm not going to just give up. i can't do that to them.
..but i can't keep getting hurt.
i've generally always been able to tell when i'm majorly changing, whether it be for the good or the bad. that hinders my thinking in people noticing their own changes, as i'm told that not many can usually pick up on them. this person isn't the only one who's changed, but they're one of the main people who's ended up affecting me more often than not because of said changing.
it didn't help that yesterday ashley came over only for me to burn cds for her and corey, as she'd broken corey's cd that she had me burn for him on valentine's day. we only seem to talk when she wants something or when i want something. she straight out told me yesterday that the only person she talks to now is holly... and that hurt. she was supposed to come over on saturday after the choir trip, but didn't because holly wanted to watch a movie. can we say ouch?
if i had more time, i could go on with this forever. likely will add to this at school and/or after school...
right now
singing: don't turn away // evanescence
talking to: you
wishing: people weren't ignorant
feeling: pessemistic
wanting: knowledgable, conscious people
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.