my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
wrote this last night... erm... early this morning at some point. not exactly sure when it was done though. i know i went in my room at about two am if that means anything, but i'm not sure when this actually came out.
she ended up picking me up on her way home from work to have a bit of a bon fire, though it was just us. we were talking and she said that she almost feels too old for them anymore, along with things that she generally connotes to them and doesn't want to think of. it made me think, initially saying to myself that she's not really that much older than me to begin with, that she's always saying that she hasn't grown up. she told me that after high school a lot of things change, including thought processes - that she thinks completely different than a year ago. the thing is, all of the points she made are things i've believed for a couple or more years already. but for some reason, i felt (and still feel) so much younger than her, or sasha, or anyone else who graduated. for some reason i feel even younger as compared to her, and she's only about a year older than me. i'm not sure why, but i feel it. though, sasha's almost twenty, while i easily remember her when she was seven or eight.
it might be because all of my friends who are 'my age' are all out of town or oblivious to my existance outside of school; it might be the way that she was talking tonight. either way, i simply stared into the fire, wondering what the next year will hold for me and how different the coming spring break will be. the short time we had today and tonight was the closest to what it felt like last year that there's meen all week, and now it's friday morning. i guess it almost feels like i'm being left behind, in a sense. i miss the endless nights outside talking that were had, the hugs, the going to the mall or movies for the hell of it. last year was the best break i've had in my life, my first taste of what it's always felt like it should be. it's almost as if it were torn away this year, senselessly. maybe last year was a fluke and break wasn't really supposed to ever be that way. why is this stirring up tears?
oddly enough, she and i have tentative plans to go play and swing at the park tomo-.. this afternoon. it's a cruel juxtaposition to the thoughts and conversatoin of tonight. maybe it will be that last grasp at the break that once was before it's permanently taken up by homework, work, sleep, and solitude. though it may not even happen at all, just like how break last year wouldn't have happened at all had it not been for our knowing each other and our willingness to know more of each other. i'm always going to equate her to spring break because of that year, because that's basically where we truly became sisters and rather inseperable. we'd been friends before then, but it all seemed to fall in place through that week.
edit: and this is the fire that i was staring into... after a bit of merging of images and making it look hella prettier than it did. i believe i'm getting good at this... oh well. thought i'd give a bit of visual.
right now
singing: light in your eyes // sheryl crow
talking to: you
wishing: i didn't feel so young
feeling: contemplative
wanting: more of last year
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.