my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
ok so i just talked with elsbe. she called me on her way home from school to go change and then go to work. yeah... this is still strange to me. she told me that she updated, so i headed over there to check it out to see if any of it really pertianed to me or anything that i need to/can do for the time being. evidently she took what i said in my entry yesterday the wrong way and believed i thought she didn't wanna talk to me. really, i know she's tired. not expecting too much. though when we were talking she said she was going to be doing homework and studying all weekend, yet she says in her entry that she wants to do something this weekend. just the tiniest bit contradictory right there, but i can manage. she said she'd try calling tomorrow, if not saturday.
is it totally wrong or weird for me to say i miss her?
right now, i'm dealing with all of the pent up energy that comes with it being after school. i got so used to calling someone and talking for a few hours or getting to have someone over or to go to their house, that i don't remember what i can do anymore. there isn't any homework for me to do, kristen's at work. yep, those are the two things i've done recently - homework and talking to kristen on msn. of course then you get sds things, which are getting strange at this moment. weird impromptu meeting after school today, don't really wanna get into it.
why does it feel like i'm alone a lot? even when i'm totally not alone, it really feels like it. then in fifth hour when bobbie's being annoying saying something over and over, i'll ask her to stop but it's like i'm not even there saying anything. i end up getting pissed and staring in the other direction. i swear it's like she never grew past the age of eight or something sometimes. you'll ask her to quit something and she keeps going at it. you can ask nicely, you can be a bitch about it, either way she's not gonna stop whatever it is until she damn well feels the need to.
it feels more like i need to make myself a layout with missing on it right along with elsbe's. it's like i try talking with all of these people and they don't even notice i'm there. i get a feeling if i were to be gone, it'd take a while for anyone to even notice that i wasn't there. the only people i have real talks with daily are kristen and... well, no one. katrina on even days, that's about it. as far as anyone else knows, i'm vapor.
that's one of the things that's getting hard to deal with about elsbe working and not bieng able to talk and everything. at least one person was there to acknowledge my existance and embraced it instead of getting mad because of it. now it feels like that's practically gone.
if this is what growing up is like, i don't want to anymore.
right now
singing: everyday // bon jovi
talking to: myself
wishing: i felt "normal"
feeling: drained, lost
wanting: sleep, a good friend
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.