my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
written sometime last night. yes, it was a late night. it sucked, but it got better.
i got home from elsbe's at about ten. dad arrived there aroound nine thirty, but i went to the truck and told him we were in the middle of discussiong something. he said it was okay, that he'd save them a trip anyway and wait until elsbe and i were done. i get home, i'm yelled at. mom had the same look in her eye she had right before she hit me earlier and said that my not immediately going and getting in the truck was another form of disrespect. the whole reason i'd gone to elsbe's in the first place was because she'd hurt me, not just physically, but spiritually. when she came in the kitchen, ripped the headset from my head (i was on the phone with kristen), and hit the back of my head with such force to mess with my hearing rather well... i truly started fearing my mother. she said i won't get away with it any longer, though she refused to tell me what this "it" was. she stormed out, i picked up the phone to see if kristen was still there. she heard everything and relayed it to elsbe as well (online). both were upset, elsbe invited me over.
i stood there doing dishes and broke down crying. kristen said she was sorry, but that couldn't take away my fear or the throbbing in the back of my head, the ringing in my ears. i continued to talk silently to her until she had to go - i'm sorry she had to hear that, yet in a way i'm glad since she and elsbe know the truth, no doubts about it. elsbe called while mom was acting as if nothing had happened. she said she was pissed off, i asked her why. she said the situation with my mom and that she wanted me to tell her everything that was wrong. i told her that i couldn't and when she asked if mom was in the room, i answered yes, she is, and that solved that for the time being.
dishes done, i was taken to elsbe's around six. i don't think i've been any happier to get away before. we didn't really talk about it until about nine when jessica left. she basically sat me down and had a conversation with me that should have happened a long time ago, but no one tried. in a way that only she can, she put a lot of things into perspective for me. things shouldn't get to me the way they do - i've known that forever, but never felt it more. the more she talked to me, the more it all made sense. i shouldn't have to go back on medication in order to be happy, i should be able to find that within myself and within my friends. there's no reason for me to be scared of losing her because she's stuck around for so many things that have scared away other people, the same going for kristen. i shouldn't have to recoil and not tell her how i feel when something happens, she's there ready to listen, actually wanting to listen. i should be able to let things go and not obsess over them the way that i always do. she's got some major issues she thinks about sometimes, but she just lets them go so she can live her life. if she didn't, she might juyst be worse than i am. she told me that if she'd been brought up diferently she probably wouldn't care so much, but she know(s) what problems are and she's willing to and evidently always will be there to talk about it.
in all trygh, had someone talked to me like this before, i might not be this way. because of what she said, i'm gonna try harder. like i said, she put things into perspective in a way that no one ever has before. it's something that i won't soon be forgetting, that's for sure. no one's ever really sat me down and had a serious, in-depth discussion like that before and treated me as an equal... not as someone lower than they are. she kept eye contact, though i turned away a few times to let things sink in. she treated me like an adult, though not in the condescending way you do with a ten year old, but as one with their own thoughts and feelings to be taken into consideration.
my immortal is ending, a song that now reminds me of both elsbe and kristen. now both of them actually stuck through everything etoday, and how i know they more than likely always will. i got under my comforter and remembered last night when i was changing my sheets, how i read what elsbe wrote on my bed so many months ago, before we were so close: thanks for being my friend. i promise to always be there and in touch... unless i'm busy and can't... just kidding. love, elsbe. it meant a lot to me then and means a lot more now... i never knew there was so much truth in those words before tonight.
in a total non-creepy way, i wanna be like elsbe when i "grow up"... and it feels like i did a bit of that tonight - mom didn't upset me when i got home. it's a start... a slow start, but a large step from this afternoon and evening.
right now
singing: the safest place // leann rimes
talking to: you
wishing: see wanting
feeling: uneasy
doing: freezing
wanting: more sleep
drinking: nada
eating: a heath bar (good breakfast food)
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.