my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
today has been another of those "lets talk to kristen all day" days. from what i hear, she and jake are going out on homecoming night. muchly happy for her right now, though it more than likely doesn't show in what i say to her at this point. though i'm doing better, i'm not being bitter or anything so NYAHHHH!
i am growing more... not just growing, but growing up. what's more, is i'm noticing it. it's rare that i actually notice something about myself, especially something like that. it's almost like i've become a different person in the past few months, like i said sometime before (too lazy to find the link to that). about the time i got the glasses i can wear all the time, my hair dyed, and started wearing different things, i started changing as a person all around. i'm actually proud of myself for that, 'cause i'm definately a better person than i was in the beginning of all of this.
lemme just put it this way. that letter? i wouldn't have written it before. i believe then i would have completely disassociated myself with him in any and every way possible. now i can forgive and make a vallient effort at forgetting. before i wasn't bold enough to talk to people i didn't know in a public place, like last weekend at the concert. before i wouldn't have allowed myself to become as close to elsbe as i have, nor would i have allowed myself to be the same way with kristen now. my level of inhibitions has lowered, but in a good way. it's not like i'd go out and do something rash just for the hell of it, but i'm more willing to do and say the things i wouldn't before. i'll even give my opinion on more things now than i would have before, though it's still a work in progress.
the main thing that i haven't been able to change yet is the amount that i say i'm sorry. that's always been a thing with me, i've always said that when something happens - whether it has to do with me or not. even when chris and i were talking on tuesday and he told me about ashley (not my ashley, his ashley), i kept telilng him that i was sorry for some odd reason. i made a reference to that in the email near the end, though i still know not why. possibly because it's been him and elsbe who have been helping me get around that recently. it's harder than you would imagine to do, granted i've done this for most of my adolescent life. i know not where i picked this up, but i truly want to smite whoever the hell i picked this up from.
i believe i shall go work on my one hundered words for art. i've got one hundered thirty seven minus the song titles and lyrics. those might be reserved for my first project, granted it's supposed to have something to do with who we are and reveal a part of us. and i just remembered that jen will be at the school tomorrow with john. this should be fun, i've missed that girl.
right now
singing: no way out // leann rimes
talking to: a preoccupied kristen
wishing: see last night
feeling: ok i suppose
doing: being bored
wanting: peace of mind
drinking: water
eating: nothing
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.