my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
i'm watching everyone grow into their own this year more than i have before. in all honesty, i'm happy for everyone in the decisions they're making and how they're able to make a lot of them on their own without panicing... but i can't help feeling alone in many ways. most of the people i'm close to are in their own relationships now or are working on doing so. i really am happy for them in the respect that they've got or have the grand possibility of having something there's no way a friend could give them, but i suppose that's where i'm feeling alone right now.
don't get me wrong, i'm not really jealous or anything over this. it just feels that i've been weighed, measured, and found wanting something that i can call my own. it seems as if when talking to these friends, a lot of what i hear is about their significant other or the possibilities of such. that's something that i can learn to deal with, but it makes me wish that i could do the same. it's sort of like one of those "but everybody's doing it" sort of things where you believe you should be able to as well. it's something that you could honestly live without, but for the time being it feels like you can't since everyone else isn't forced to as well.
everybody needs something to hold on to... - celine dion // one heart
true yet not so true. everyone needs love in some form, yet they can live as long as they've got that one form of it. myself, i'm living with the friends as family love and i'm quite contented in that. i've got two of the greatest older sisters you could ask for here in town and a couple of younger sisters (currently) throughout the northeast. i love them as i would love anyone who was related to me by blood, though with them it runs deeper than that. we chose to be family and have been with each other through it all anyway when we had the choice to leave. with family you have to see them either on a daily basis or at least once a year. with this kind of family, you choose to be with them as much as you want to be together whether it be daily or weekly or monthly or anything else. with family there are rivalries that come into play and can keep you from wanting to be there for someone, yet with this kind of family you choose to be there when you have the choice of running away from the responsibility of doing so.
so yes, i'm still here for them all even though they are persuing other things. there are pangs of emotion in me making me wish that i could have the same, but i'm not jealous of what they have. if nothing else, it makes me all the more happy that they don't have reason to lay there at night wishing they could have something that it seems they can't or aren't allowed. i wish the very best for them because they certainly deserve it, and it looks as though they're coming into their best right here and now.
here's hoping i can come into my own as well.
addition, 1:53 p.m.
elsbe and i talked and she commented on the above after we'd talked about something in her diary. i felt the need to put in here to prove that someone thinks the way she does:
elsbe: yea i need to get going so i can do the crap for my mom
me: ok
me: i think i was gonna comment on something else but i forgot what..
elsbe: ok
me: and i think i was gonna ask if you had a comment on mine or something o_o
elsbe: um its was a very sensible and grownup sounding one
elsbe: i really think u have grown
me: really then?
elsbe: yea
me: ::eyebrow proceeds to raise itself without her knowledge::
elsbe: lol
me: people keep telling me that and it's sort of hard to believe..
elsbe: not really
elsbe: everyone grows and sometimes u don't even know it til some one else says something
me: yeah
elsbe: yea
me: i dunno, i guess every time i supposedly do everyone else does at the exact same time
me: and it kinda feels like i'm alone.
elsbe: nah ur not
me: i know, or i wouldn't be talking to you right now.
elsbe: exactly
me: it's just... weird, i dunno.
elsbe: i know
elsbe: i used to feel thatway
me: i grow in different ways than everyone else most times, and less than kristen who still says i'm like a younger sister, much younger.
elsbe: lol
me: sometimes.
elsbe: well everyone grows at their own pace
elsbe: well we've (us with younger siblings) tend to act /be older than we are for that reason
me: i still like cartoons and video games and stuff. ya'll are just gonna have to deal with that, lol.
elsbe: i do everyday
me: i figured that much since you guys are both the oldest in ya'lls families.
elsbe: yea
elsbe: that's jsut the way it kinda is
me: it's easier with you for some reason but... yeah.
me: :: sigh::
right now
singing: love is all we need // celine dion
talking to: allinflames
wishing: i could come into my own
feeling: envious, i suppose
doing: thinking too much
wanting: $4.50 to go to the movie with everyone today, grr.
drinking: water
eating: nothing
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.