my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
she called me on the cell phone and i went outside so i could talk to her. i felt completely powerless for the first time in a while as i sat there listening to her sniffle while trying to stop her tears. she can stay there, but she's grounded until she finds somewhere to go. she wasn't supposed to have the cell phone or anything, but she had it anyway - that's meh elsbe. i told her that if nothing else she could come here, that we already factor her in to the grocery shopping most of the time. i heard a smile as she said thanks that time, at least i think it was a smile. she told me that she called me first because she knew i'd understand, and i sat there dumbstruck. it's been quite a while since someone has relied on me like that, i'd forgotten what to do momentarily. in this situation, all i could do was be there for her, wishing that i could drive and go pick her up from the source of all this. she debated calling chuck for a while because she didn't want to seem too clingy or to push him away with her "overwhelming emotions". she got talked into it, and we hung up.
i sat out there on the porch for a few more minutes with my arms propped on my knees, head in my hands. to think that an hour ago i had been worried about tomorrow... it seems to petty now. her mom won't let her have the car or anything because it isn't hers, which is funny because that and using the phone are just about the only ways she could get out of there if she truly wants elsbe gone. in my mind i was thinking what i'd have to move in the back room if she were to need to be here for a few nights or something, or if i'd even need to do that since we seem to coexist in the same room well. i had it in my mind that if i'd had a car that i would just take off and get her, not caring what her mom thought or said at the time. the fact that the woman hit her and she'd never done that in her life before... that's enough to set me off, yes, yes it is.
dad got out of bed and i told him because he asked about what was going on. he said to tell her that she could come here next time i talked to her. i went in my room for a while and just lay there trying to process everything and think if there was any reason for her mom to do this, which i couldn't really figure out. i ended up calling chuck to see fi he'd ask her to call me back when they were done talking. it feels like torture not knowing what's going on after you hear something like that. shortly after she called me back and she sounded alright, which was a relief. he pulled reverse psychology on her and talked about anything but what happened. i try that with people sometimes, it doesn't end well. we talked for a few minutes, she's alright now. she still has to lector at church tonight, so she had to go get ready and everything. actually, saying that if she left she would never go to church again is what saved her. i asked her to call me back when she can and it won't get her in trouble or anything, she said she would.
i just realized i never said i love her. i should have.
right now
singing: it's you // michelle branch
talking to: christina
wishing: ...
feeling: shocked, scared
doing: trying to think of other stuff
wanting: to be able to help
drinking: niet
eating: niet
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.