my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
i got her worried earlier when we were talking. very abruptly, i had to leave to go to my aunt's house and fix her printer - granted i'm the only one who can put in an ink cartridge. i told her more than once that i felt like i was gonna cry, and i had her thinkin' about that and being worried about me all day. i'm not really proud of that, but i love her for it. she'd wanted to know if i was okay yet (before i had to leave), and i couldn't lie to her and tell her yes. she kept guessing at why i'm still kind of freaked about the situation and i really don't think that she got it all with her guesses, only bits and pieces of it... honestly i don't know what it is.
it's hard writing in here right now because i have to be so damn vague about everything. this is really the first time where i've had to hold myself back from writing what's really going on. in a sence, i'm getting it down but not the main details. that? it's saved for offline on paper. remember, those little things people used to write in? yeah, one of those. it's a real test for me because i'm always so damn open in here, i always (eventually) get my point across... even if it takes a couple days. it's more than just a test of getting myself to not be as open for once, it's in a way a test of friendship. how well can i keep this a secret? i will tell you that nothing happened between us and that what her mother said is not true, but that's all that i can say. she doesn't want people hearing about it and frankly, neither do i. i just... i need an outlet someplace. some people have access to my old private diary, my livejournal has turned into something for my school friends which is basically a branch off of this along with quizzes and stuff, the journal with me and kristen is exactly that - with me and kristen. i just got an idea to start one for me and elsbe, but i don't know how much she'd like that idea. though she is online more than kristen... it'd make sense, but who knows if it would actually work or happen.
::sigh:: i'm gonna go play some games, maybe write a little poetry... and wait for her to call me back. i was actually thinkin' about her today too, kinda worryin' as well.
right now
singing: open your eyes // staind
talking to: ceci
wishing: none of this happened
feeling: worried i guess
doing: thinking of writing
wanting: this to be over
drinking: niet
eating: niet
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.