my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
i just sang the D on a keyboard that's the second one from the left. in choir today kate thought i was messing around when i said that i can sing that low, she thought i was singing an octave higher than that. in other words, landa is a bad ass motherfucker again.
yes, and landa is a bad ass motherfucker who's officially growing up.
almost right after school, dad whisked me away to go to family dollar to ask about the application that i'd turned in a couple of weeks ago. the manager had just left, but the woman at the register said that if i come back he'll almost definately hire me because there's only like three or four people working there right now.
what prompted this? telling mom that i made ladies. that, on top of chorale expenses, on top of being a senior next year... there's no way that we can afford it the way that things are going right now. so, they decided that i have to get a job right now (like, yesterday almost) to be able to pay for my own things. i get a feeling that by january i'm going to be paying for absolubely everything for myself... i really don't like the sounds of this.
i'm sixteen, almost seventeen years old. i realize that there are people out there who have had jobs forever and those who may have things worse than me... but i don't want to be sixteen or seventeen or anything older anymore. i want to be fourteen or fifteen forever, just on the brink of having to come into all of the big decisions, having to be able to pay for your own things, being so damn close to having to grow up and know what you're doing with your life. you're not a junior so you don't have ot deal with all of the upper level classes, there's less homework and a little less stress, you're about at the age where you're allowed to go out and do things on weekends (though i was doing so when i was thirteen)... things are just great at that age, if not for all of the stupid little adolescent problems with relationships and shit like that. if i hadn't been depressed through those years, i might have actually liked them.
the only plusses to all of the things going on right now are that i'm not depressed like i used to be and i have better friends by my side than i've ever had in my life. that's it.
...
someone tell me why all of this is happening so fast?
right now
singing: no such thing // john mayer
talking to: you
wishing: things could be the same
putting off: accepting being in third hour ensemble
doing: thinking too much
wanting: to be younger
drinking: cherry coke
eating: nada
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