my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
as of right now, i believe that i'm taking a break from yahoo messenger. i just totally spilled all that i've wanted to tell lisa for a while and it hurt me pretty bad to do so, but i did it. hell, it still hurts right now. but, i'm not getting on yahoo messenger for a while so anyone wanting to reach me, use aim or msn.
i don't know what it is, but whenever something like this happens with lisa, even with anyone else for that matter, i end up feeling like the most heartless person in the world. i know i'm not, elsbe reminds me that i'm not, but it sure as hell feels like it sometimes. like right now, it feels like i don't even have a heart. elsbe was on the phone and told me not to start crying so i was able to keep it in because of her. right now, the only thing keeping me level is the fact that i'm sitting here singing evanescence the best i ever have, at least i think so. i even sang some of the harmonies elsbe's come up with for some ov the songs and they came out pretty damn well.
this is gonna be really hard for me to do. i love talking to her, but it just hasn't been happening much anymore, and when it does it's not the same. one of us is sullen as hell and/or jealous of whomever the other's been around. in my case it's erich, hers it's elsbe. even though i'm taking this break i still love her to pieces, being irritated or upset shouldn't change that between a true friendship or anything like that. it's just going to feel weird... most of the time she's the one to give me the compliments and comments that keep get going and getting up in the morning. she's been the only person to ever call me sweetheart or something else just as endeering and actually mean it aside from my mom when i was younger. it's going to be weird trying to find someplace else to get that for a while, especially with it being offline.
i figure since i'm staying off yim for a while because of lisa i might as well be offline more. i mean for real, i'm online most of the time just trying to catch her. yes, i will still update daily and everything in here, but i just might not be on instant messenger as often. why? because i'm going to be able to do what i've anted to do for a long time now - cut back on my online time and add more to my offline with friends or family or just thinking time. i might even be able to play video games again like i used to, might be able to do more of the reading that i used to do that isn't related to someone's personal life that i'm prying into by reading a diary or an instant message. i'll be able to feel the wind in my hair as i ride my bike up and down the street again since it's starting to get to the right weather to do so and there's air in my tires.
no, this isn't by any means goodbye so don't you dare jump to that conclusion. i'll still be on at least two hours a day (one hour to write in here and private, one hour to play games and talk) so don't worry about that. i'm just cutting back because i've wanted to for a long time and haven't been able to. elsbe's helped me do that recently, reminding me what it's like to be out with someone on weekends and enjoy it. hell, even to be around someone real who can actually ::hug:: me when i need it most and who can ::stop my tears:: when i'm breaking down. i'd forgotten what that was like for so long... i'd become used to taking total care of myself, hugging stuffed animals when i needed a hug and pretending they could hug me back, sometimes using their paws on my cheeks to stop my crying. that's just not gonna do it anymore, i know what it's like for someone to actually be there now.
and i wouldn't trade that feeling for the world.
layout and all content ©coyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.