my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
yanno, i don't think i should have to censor myself in here. if you've got something to say, go right ahead and say it. that's why i've got my comments thingy and my guestbook and diaryland notes and all those other means of contact on my contact page and in my profile. utilize your options, just don't talk about this stuff offline because that's how a lot of shit has gotten started. if you do talk about it offline, make sure it's just the two of us or you, me and the other party involved. this is getting ridiculous guys.
elsbe was just here for a few hours again. we got my hair dyed while she was here and i got to rinse out my hair and all by myself this time and it went a lot faster =P. while i was drying my hair she was in here to write an entry on her diary during which i had to be in another room, though she knows i'd read it later on. she basically wrote a reaction to all that i've been saying in here and in my diary. she's alright with it, she knows i'm alright with it... though she keeps saying it as though i'm madly in love with her or something.
::sigh:: again, i have no idea how to really explain all this. we talked about it afterwards and she said how she really doesn't like how people are joking around about us. frankly, i don't like it either because it's totally not right. just because we're around each other a lot doesn't mean that anything's going on. hell what bothers me is the fact that her mom evidently asks her about it. so what, she happens to like my bed. yeah, we'll lay there and talk for hours on end. sure, every once in a while there's some sort of show of affectoin between us. wanna know why? because family's like that.
again, i revert back to a quote she's said before: friends are the family you choose. elsbe's part of my chosen family, as is kristen. elsbe's just a little bit more open with affection and stuff than kristen is and she happens to have more time to do things. that's the difference. if she'd allow me, i'd do the same stuff with kristen as i've been doing with elsbe lately. i love both of them and would do anything for either of them. that's what family's all about. we don't leave each other behind, we look out for each other, we stick up for one another. given the things that have happened throughout the past few months and given that our shared bond has grown nothing but stronger, i don't think i see anything coming in the way of that. that's what a real family should be like, not just someone who'll be there when you're doing good.
i don't know how to say a lot of the things that i've been thinking. like how i ended up first saying that i secretly liked elsbe and taking it back, saying that i just strongly admire her. i seirously wasn't sure what the feeling was before i tried saying it the first time and it came out all wrong, messing up some things. i don't know how to tell lisa that i still love her the way i always have and that nothing's changed that, not even her relationship with erich... and that i've seriously missed her and have wanted to hear about how things have been going in her life recently. i'm not really sure how i should tell ashley that it feels like our friendship has all but died, that i truly don't know who she is anymore and i wish i did... i'm sure she probably doesn't really know me that well now either given that we don't really have the time we used to have to talk to each other or go out and do things together. i don't know how to say that i seem to get comfort when a particular person plays with my hair but when anyone else does i get a feeling of uneasiness. i don't know how to say a vast many other things...
but i mainly don't know how to verbally say i love you to someone without shortening it or something to where it isn't really the same. i've noticed recently that i seem to have a problem with that, and that most times when i actually say the words, i'm saying something like don' worry, i still love you after someone's done something or said something weird. i wish i knew why i did that, because i only seem to be able to say it in writing. it's hard truly loving people and not really being able to say it. heh, i guess for what i can't actually say, i make up for in affection.
going back to what i was saying in the first place, elsbe and i both hate how people are going around saying stuff about us. most of it is totally in a joking way, but that still doesn't make it right. we both know that there really isn't anything going on and we both say that it doesn't matter what other people think, but we both know that's not true to either of us. i know i care about what people say about us, i don't want her being brought into things that are mainly about me. kind of like how last year i stuck up for kristen when people were saying that she was bi or that we were together, if i hear one more comment about me and elsbe i swear i'll explode. a lot of it that elsbe gets upset about is coming from kristen and/or jake. again, both of us know that they're joking around, but it'll still get to either or both of us when they say stuff.
i'm gettin' pretty tired and i'm kinda confusing myself with different thought patterns occuring at the same time, so i'm gonna go. wish me luck at my job shadow at 96.5 the buzz tomorrow, and i'll be sure to let ya'll know if i get to get on the air =D. g'night diaryland.
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