my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
alright, i changed the layout today. i don't care what you say about it, i wanted it to be more plain this time and that works for me. plus i'd wanted something kind of like that for a while now. you have no idea how long it took me to get the image at the top right...
i think today is the first day during break that elsbe isn't kidnapping me. last i heard she's busy all day. alert the media, i might be in my house all day, let alone by midnight tonight. i just like that i've been able to be around someone who i know actually cares about me for once during spring break rather than being at home alone or with my parents. last night (and other nights for that matter) elsbe seemed to act more like a mother to me than my mom acts... but she's more like one of those big sisterish mother types, if that makes sense. i swear she's gonna be a good mom someday.
speaking of moms, my daughter was here yesterday.
...
remember? estell, lol. she's the one who ended up transferred out of sumner and had been claiming me as her mommy. we picked her up and came back here where she basically entertained herself for a while. i had to load the dishwasher because my mom was being a bitch and she played my keyboard then went to various websites. when we took her home she brought out her kittens because they had been mewing loud on the phone. one was a little orange tabby and the other was white and looked like it'll later end up being a siamese. they were so cute! i had the little orange one and it clung to me like milo used to do while i rubbed underneath his chin and patted his head. i was reminded so much of when milo was that little with that little guy on me. mom had the white one and she was quieter than the orange. their mom's a persian and their dad's an alley cat so they've got somewhat longer fur that's really silky. they've both got big bright blue eyes, hehe.
mom and i came back home and i called elsbe back. almost immediately i ended up leaving with her and her mom. elsbe and i went to uptown monkeybottoms while her mom was at her office. they had some army clothes there and i wanted to get a jacket so bad, but there weren't any above a large. i ended up with an army bag and a hemp/bb necklace which i put my dogtags on when i got home. and that was on seven dollars o_o;;. i think i could get used to going there, cause it's kinda set up like a junk store and there's some pretty sweet stuff. plus the sales lady's really nice, she gave us both discounts on what we got. there was this leather jacket there for sixteen dollars that i really wanted to get, but i have shoulders that are too broad for it. damn daniels side of the family ><.
later on we went to the mall and, of course, ended up in claire's. while i was in there i couldn't help but think of kristen for a bit because she's one of few people i go there with and that i buy for when i'm there. i ended up over by the best friends section and saw the monkey necklaces that the three of us have and i couldn't help remembering some things... it hurts when i'm out somewhere and something reminds me of her now. i was pretty close to tears by the time we left claire's, but i kept myself from it rather well.
i'm trying to do what elsbe said to do, to pretend that nothing's really wrong and that it's not getting to me. it's just really hard for me... i dunno. i honestly think it's different for me than it is for elsbe with all of this. it's like my mind is still trying to convince my heart of what's going on. my heart still thinks that everything can still go back to normal, that nothing's changed. my mind knows different... because it's trying to protect my heart this time. i'm really tired of the mind games that kristen has been playing lately and i'm tired of getting hurt by it. then there's the past of me who wants to give in and beg her to stay.
this is exactly why i used to always be shut up like i was. i was afraid of this happening. i don't remember one time in the past when things like this have hurt so much, and that's probably because i opened up so much to kristen. i had never done that with anyone else, i'd always left people guessing about a lot of things. kristen came along and i expressed everything that was going on in my mind. since the things with us started, i've kind of started keeping things in more with different people. i haven't been able to tell people as many things as i used to. it's like a part of me is disapearing along with our friendship... but a new part is coming out in being with elsbe as much as i have.
..is this making sense to anyone out there other than me?
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