my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
it's really weird getting used to the feel of my bed again after elsbe leaves. we spent, like, two hours just laying there talking and listening to the radio... sometimes just silently listening just laying there appreciating that we can be around each other like that. this is after she'd dyed and messed with my hair and basically de-hypered ourselves.
one thing that i'm definately not going to forget that she said was yanno it's moments like this where we're just laying here like this that makes being friends with you worth it. honestly that's the sweetest thing that i've heard from anyone for a while; i was grinning as i told her thanks. it just seems like i'm the most comfortable when i'm laying down and talking to someone... which no one does aside from elsbe. it seems like i can say anything and not worry about what's said about it and i can just simply be myself. i mean totally myself... quieter and more mellow than i normally am, nowhere near as perverted unless it's severely provoked, talking with a more calm voice than i ever do when i'm around more than one other person. i seem to have the most meaningful or serious moments with people when we're alone talking for a while, whether it be laying down or outside or just sitting around talking.
..and now that i think about it i think elsbe's the first one i've opened up to like that in most of the above situations. i'd never really felt like i could just open up and say anything that comes to mind when i'm alone with someone before we started hanging out more. most people haven't even given me the chance either by having too many other things to do and always being busy or just simply not letting me be able to do so. she told me that's what she sees in me that her mom doesn't... and i'm glad that i can be known for that, for who i am, to someone who means something to me.
up until the past year or so i hadn't really let anyone in except for kristen and ashley because of my past. now for the same reason i've got truer friends than i ever imagined that i would have. but even so, i've only really had real and meaningful conversations with a small handful of people. honestly i believe that when i can have one with someone and i'm not ashamed of anything that's been said, it signifies a real and lasting friendship; it signifies someone who's your chosen family - according to elsbe.
i love nights like tonight... i wish they happened more often.
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