my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
i never thought i'd live to see the day when a men's three xl was big enough to be a night shirt on me again.
last night i ended up at wal-mart with my parents where i searched all of the clearence racks. i didn't like most of the girls shirts so i meandered over to the guys section since i hadn't gotten any new guys shirts in a really long time. in the five dollar rack i found a shirt that looks kind of like a baseball jersey with a number on the front and a design that says "tiger high" surrounding a roaring tiger's head. (i didn't notice till i got home that the design's velvety, it's really soft ^_^) it was a three xl and the only one there, so i figured that it would be my only chance at it. i asked dad about that, a light jacket that was three dollars and a harry potter blanket for my bed that was seven dollars (seven dollars!). when we got home i put the shirt on and found that it was HUGE on me. i'm wearing it now; it goes down past my butt and i could fit someone else in here with me if i had to o_o;;.
::insert shoddy transition here::
this is the first year that i can remember not going to the world of wheels with my dad. we'd be going tonight if we went at all because all of the cars are there on saturday night and there's more stuff there to eat/buy. i woke up to go to the bathroom at six thirty this morning and he was already in there. he told me that he'd been figuring up the finances and that we can't really afford to go this year. i told him it was fine, that i had been expecting it for a while and that i didn't really care. inside i felt my heart sink down as low as it could possibly get.
that's one of the few things that i look forward to every year and it's been taken away. i'm always going to have a love of classic cars and the music that they play there, but the main thing is that i rarely get time alone with my dad anymore. you know how there's all those levels of "fatherhood"? daddy, dad, father, parental unit... that stuff. it almost seems like he's gone down to dad from daddy, i don't remember the last time we played football or video games or gone out and did something with just the two of us. i've been one of the seemingly fortunate few to have a daddy my whole life and to have been a daddy's girl for as long as i can remember. it seems like more and more that there's less and less time for us to be around each other. he's either sleeping or working these days, and if i try to talk to him it either doesn't make sense, is in the middle of one of his shows, or he's too tired to pay attention. of course you can't forget mom's health issues as well, because if there's medicine that needs to be picked up, dinner that needs to be made or anything, i don't come into the picture at all.
i miss the days when i could say that i wanted to grow up to be just like my daddy. i wanted to be a "car doctor" and to be funny just like him. i even wanted to play football like he had and to have a '79 chevelle like his... man that thing had some spirit in it. i was always the one who would be working with him in the '56 which has lay dormant in the garage since i was in grade school. i always helped him work on cars and he was proud of me when i could finally change a tire on my own. (how many ten year olds do you know who can lift a tire high enough to mount it? how bout to put the nuts back on it tight enough for it to stay on there? that's what i thought.)
maybe i'll be lucky enough and see some of the cars being driven or brought back to their homes on the highway monday morning at school.
::insert second shoddy transition here::
about an hour after i got up (i got up at noon o_o) elsbe called me. right off when i picked up the phone she told me not to get upset with her or anything. i figured that there was something serious and i kinda got on point. she went on to tell me that she was about to go see chicago with bobbie and that i can't come because she doesn't have the van and she thought that bobbie and i would have problems with each other. she told me that she'd be willing to go see it with me again next weekend though, and she emphasized how she hoped i wouldn't get upset or anything like that. it actually doesn't really bother me at all, but i was kinda low for a bit cause i was hoping i could do something with her today cause everyone else is busy. i'm fine now, i'm just waiting around a bit to call and see if she wants to do anything else... i'm bored as hell right now -_-.
and i meant every word i said,
when i said that i loved you i meant
that i'd love you forever...
keep on lovin you - reo speedwagon
layout and all content ©coyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.