my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
you already know what happeend earlier. well it got worse from there. for the first time in a long time, i completely regressed. last week had marked two months since i was last suicidal. it seems that as of tonight i have to start that count all over again.
when i wrote before i was already pretty down. elsbe and i had been talking on msn for a couple hours about the fight she and her mom had, about things with my mom, about things concerning kristen... lots of stuff. we'd really wanted to do something today so we were waiting on my parents to get out of bed to see if they could bring her over. (her mom had the van.) eventually they got up, at five! i asked and mom said no because she had to jump and run last night. mom and i ended up having a mini-fight and it took everything in me not to cry.
i got back and was going off about them to elsbe when lisa got on. i ended up feeling guilty for the way i left last night, the fact i felt sad, the fact i was contemplating suicide (though she knows i'll never actually do it), and because i'd honestly wanted to leave before we hurt each other even more than we already had. in the midst of all that, i fell apart. i don't remember the last time i'd been full blown depressed like that. elsbe had gotten kicked offline so when i got off i called her. we talked a while and at the mention of a mike's hard lemonade i'd gone to see if dad would take me over there for a while since he was dressed and mom wasn't. by six i was out the door.
i got there and we ended up watching coyoteugly since i'm letting her borrow it. afterwards we went downstairs to listen to music until i had to leave. actually we ended up singing it all iwth her figuring out harmonies that she didn't already know. i honestly wish i could do that without ending up looking like an ass. hell i could barely hit the melody notes right let alone figuring out the harmony. (by the way, i turned down the hard lemonade. stupid decision, i know, given that it's like 5% alcohol and couldn't really hurt me anyway.)
elsbe did do something no one else could do all night though. she made me laugh, multiple times at that. i'd hope that after being able to do something like that she doesn't feel like she did earlier again any time soon. she's clearly not a bad person or anything like that and i'm quite sure that "her" god doesn't have it in for her. i don't look up to bad people, nor do i allow myself to love who i consider bad people. (as bring me to life, song she loves of course.) honestly i don't think i could ever be around her enough to get tired of her. yanno that list of things that have gone right in my life?
#5. allowing myself to open up to elsbe and the relationship that has resulted.
that's something i don't plan on fucking up any time soon.
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