my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
i really don't know how to say the things going through me right now. i guess i have to copy/paste what i wrote to kristen into here whether i like it or not. i hadn't wanted to put it in here because of recent occurances getting people worried or against each other or anything like that, but i guess i have to because that's what's going on right now:
as you already know, i can't say certain things in my diary without getitng people worried or mad or something so... i wanted to get this out somewhere and this is prolly something that i would tell you at some point anyway.
all of a sudden i just feel... empty i guess. it's almost like a part of me's missing, but everything's there. i've been having fun, i'm singin so much it's not funny, i'm getting all my school stuff done for the first time since seventh grade, and right now i've got everything i need to be happy. i've got friends and all that stuff and people i can talk to most of the time, but that doesn't really change it. it feels like i know i'm here and i'm doing everything, but i'm not really doing everything. i'm going through the motions but i'm not actually doing it or saying things. i know i'm there and i know i'm doing everything, but i just feel... empty inside, kinda hollow when i'm conscious of my mind and body.
i dunno, maybe i'm just stressing about too many things lately. we all know mom's driving me nuts and everything, but that's normal now. i'm starting to think that i'm just getting really used to there being someone there and then i come home to... this. i don't even know what the hell this is, it's just the place where i eat and sleep and use the computer. it goes away when, like, elsbe's over here, 'specially if we end up here by ourselves. but as soon as she leaves (or whoever was here for that matter) the emptiness comes back. i know it's not a relapse because i'm still having fun and actually laughing and meaning it. i just wish i knew what the hell it was because it almost feels like it's eating away a part of me.
i'm gonna go ahead and go since i said to check this in a few minutes and it's been about fifteen. love ya, talk to ya later on.
i wrote that last night, but it still kind of applies right now as well. there's an exception that that feeling though.
lisa finally wrote out all of the things that have been getting to her today and ended up showing it to a teacher, who in turn showed it to the school psychologist, who in turn called her mom. i'm not sure what happened after that though. why? because even though she had all of her homework done before she got online, her parents made her get offline for no reason whatsoever. i'm told that i'm in the poem and i don't know if it's in a good way or what because she had to go so soon. i'm assuming that it's good because of the way it's been recently. i just wish we could have talked for a while before she had to leave, cause we can't talk at all tomorrow night.
i'm going because i'm depressing myself. g'night diaryland.
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