my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
it's odd the way that things turn out. for the last couple years i basically saw bobbie as an enemy and we're alright with each other now. mark nelson and i are on good terms with each other (sometimes i think a little too good terms) while in middle school he would make a sly comment about me and i would chase him down. kathy and i are pretty good friends when she was one of the people in elementary school who was picking on me constantly. secretly i had told myself long ago that i would never like girly stuff and here i am wearing a knit women's top in my black jeans for the first time in about two months. two months without full black. let that sink in for a minute... now back on my tirade. that, and i dyed my hair and i'm fussing over it like i never thought i would. i could never make any friends and the ones i did make i always lost before eighth grade and i'd figured that the friends that i had before this school year would probably be it. and this year, i've made friends with a whole hell of a lot more people than i ever imagined, a lot of them being best friends and one of them being a big sister. hehe, main problem being most of them are seniors and they'll be leaving after this year... man it's gonna be different. i should be an honorary class of '03 member just for that.
what's bringing about all of this? i dunno really, it's just showing up in my mind all of a sudden. maybe it's because of the enrollment meetings today... it's actually sinking in to me that i'm gonna be a senior next year. sumner is practically feeling like home to me now and i'm gonna have to leave it in just over a year. i'm not gonna be at kckcc long enough for it to feel the same way that sumner feels to me, so i'm losing that home while still having to stay at this one. i'm starting to wonder what that's going to do to me overall. it's still up in the air as to whether or not elsbe will end up moving in here but i get a feeling the transition'd be a lil bit easier if she does end up here. if not it'll prolly still be fine as long as i've still got people who still live nearby after graduation. i dunno who all is planning on going away to school, but i know that elsbe's going to kckcc too, though she'll be a year ahead of me, prolly a little more than that since she's getting college credit now and i'm not. i think kristen's wanting to go to umkc which is relatively near here i believe. i've honestly no clue where it is, but it's not that far away. other than them, i have no idea what anyone else is doing.
me? i'm going to kckcc then figuring it out from there. i may go to a four year college after that or not, i'm not sure. i may have to if i end up a music teacher somewhere, though being a deejay doesn't sound that bad... just gotta find someone hiring that plays music that i like that'll take someone on little to no experience. i'm still hoping to move somewhere else where i've got more of a chance at becoming a singer... or seeing what kind of connectoins i can get through my friends ^^;;. maybe a record company might be hiring for office stuff or something... who knows. aside from all that, i've no clue what i want to do.
anyway, back to the things turning out different than we expect. i'm thinking that maybe there's a reason behind it all. i mean, who can't generally use more people there who they know they can turn to? of course, that still leaves the questoin of why those people... that i can't answer. things just change, people change and they may end up someone you actually like hanging around. me turning into a girl had to happen at some point too, given that i do have tits and a vagina... at least i did last time i checked. ::looks down shirt, decides that's evidence enough:: yep, i have tits, i'll get back to you on the vagina part.
...full of tact aren't i?
as i was saying, it's just something that was bound to happen sometime. i never really invisioned myself staying in boys baggy shirts and jeans that hang half off my ass forever. that and shoes that are just a little big and flop some when i walk. and the chains and keychains hanging from my pockets... yeah, my pants were generally weighted down to halfway off my ass so they wouldn't stay up no matter how hard i tried. i figured i had to grow up and be a "big girl" sometime and why shouldn't it be now, since i'm finding girl clothes that i actually like in my size. the dying my hair... i'd always wanted to try something and i finally found a color i liked. and i get to keep it for about a year since i have senior pictures next year and my hair won't be back the same length in my shade by then.
i dunno, i'm still kind of baffled at the fact that some of the people that are my friends are my friends after all that we've been through and put each other through in the past. i guess if things are just meant to be they just... happen. i'm a firm believer in fate and i do believe that there's something rather interesting in the works with the strange things that have come together in the past year.
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