my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
*sigh* yep, all of it just fell apart. it wouldn't really bug me as much if they hadn't all done what they'd done for me in the past year. they're the ones who introduced me to true wicca. they're the ones who helped me figure out my sexuality. they're the ones who helped me get out of my pop stage.
..they were my first online friends.
...
i've lost friends before. this we all know. but, i've never lost so many in so little time. sev, mika, sarah and christina are the only ones left for me now... it feels so strange. sev's changing her diary address, but i really don't want to change mine. coyotesabre feels too much like my home now. i actually blocked people's aim names... that took so much on my part.
two things keeping me from crying right now. one, norah jones. two, elsbe and i just hung up. she called me when she got home to just talk. she reminded me that there's other people out there that care about me.
compared to this time last year, i'm doing a hell of a lot better socially. i've got friends offline now who care about me, i'm nowhere near as depressed, for the most part. i'm writing more about what i feel in here, and i'm actually sharing it with people. like i said in that chat thing, kristen and elsbe both read this. various people i know offline do, along with online. i'm getting out to do things on weekends again, so i'm not staying cooped up in the house all the time. i'm opening up to people a little bit easier than i used to, like elsbe and shannon.
but i can't help but think that a part of me is gone after that chat. i loved everyone in there, and still do... but i'm not so sure that it's mutual anymore.
they say that in this life the amount of true friends you get are equal to or less than what you can count on one hand. i should have known that this would happen, given that i was using two hands and borrowing someone else's. this just kinda goes to show you that someone can mean the world to you, but it doesn't necessarily mean that they feel the same way about you.
8:53 p.m.
i think blaze and i are fine now. as for everyone else, i'm not sure. but i know for sure that i think blaze is gonna have a hard time making up with sev... and it's actually a misunderstanding that's doing so. but, i better go, gettin close to time for me to get offline for the night. g'night ya'll.
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