my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
i don't think i can really explain all that just happened. i mean, it needed to happen at some point or everyone would have blown up even more later on, but it was just... weird. and very hard to explain.
lisa and i had been talking for quite a while. we were having one of our little squabbles again, and it got to be more than just a little one. at some point, elsbe imed lisa and told her what i had been saying the other day and today because i was frustrated with what was going on at the time. well, these things have to do with the fact that it's kind of hard for me to believe lisa, her never having been in my situation, when she tells me that i'm supposedly beautiful. all last night, it turned into a crusade for her to make me believe that, and it ended up hurting both of us pretty bad in the end. she couldn't make me feel better at all because i needed to really deal with it on my own. the only reason elsbeth helped much if at all last night is because she didn't get into it real heavy with me.
i had to go do something for mom, and came back. elsbe had talked to lisa, and lisa was crying when i got here. she said something to me about how could you, and that i had been talking about her behind her back. i tried telling her, i say things i don't mean when i need to vent or just simply go off or something. it's hard not to. i mean, everyone needs to release somewhere, right? well, this was a little too public, and i'm kinda trying to give kristen a lil more space, so logically it was elsbeth who i could turn to.
we went on fighting for a while and elsbe had me invite lisa to our conversation. after that, things started to smooth over. they started to settle down little by little, and by the time elsbe needed to leave, we were alright. honestly, i still need a little time, but asiude from that, we're fine now. lisa's gonna let me deal with some things on my own without getting upset about it, and she's gonna try and have a thicker skin about herself when we talk.
right now, i'm still trying to sort everything out. elsbe's mom is letting her go with kristen this weekend, which leaves me somewhat alone in this equation. it kinda bugs me, but not enough to make me go nuts or anything. i'm gonna miss going out to do something though, but i need to be alone a while since i wasn't last weekend. ashley and i are able to talk just a little bit more lately, meaning a phone call a day. that's starting to feel better.
i just feel really bad for bringing elsbeth into all this.
...
i know she's saying that it's alright and everything, but i can't help but feel bad or weird for ending up bringing her into the whole me and lisa thing, and for ending up falling apart on her like i have been. for chriss sakes, i haven't even known her all that long (relatively) and i'm already doing shit like that to her. i know that things like that end up getting other people down too, and she even told me that when i get really sad or depressed, that she gets sad too. having people actually care compared to what's been in the past is a nice change of pace, but i dont want to end up bringing down the people i truly love because i feel like shit for a while.
i've come to a conclusion. i'm always going to have my good days and my bad. most bad ones happen during or around my period, which i'm sure is too much information for all of you, but that should be taken into account as well, given that i'm currently riding the crimson titlewave. my goods can go extremely high, while my bads can go to the lowest of lows. they take a while to get out of most times, while the goods have positive affects for at least a week. essentially, they take about the same amount of time to play out.
i just need to get everyone else to see that.
everyone, just because i seem down hearted or i'm hating myself and thinking i'm ugly, it doesn't mean taht i'll be that way forever. that generally juse means that there's a hell of a lot of things going on that i really need to sort out on my own. i truly appreciate you all trying to help me and everything, but it doesn't really end up helping. i've gotten used to too many years of fighting back to really be able to appreciate it the way i should. i understand that you're trying to help, but it just ends up frustrating me at that particular moment. later on, i'll see it and more than likely say i'm sorry. it might take a little while for me to say it, but i'll always come around. i always have, and i always will.
right now, i'm gonna go because i'm still trying to figure out things and i have no clue how to say it all yet. i promise i'm gonna try and write everything sometime when i can, but not yet. that'll be a while too more than likely. thanks everyone for putting up with me and still being interested, i love all you guys. buh bye everyone.
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