my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
sorry about the immense amounts of almost pointless pages that are up right now, they'll be gone soon =)
right now, i think i'm the lowest i've been for quite a while. there's quite a few things going on that are adding into this, and i guess i'll just list them and describe as i go.
first of all, i didn't know that i meant that much to her until i read that entry, i really didn't. and blaze and i had a talk soon after kasai got offline. there are many things that i won't repeat in here because i promised not to, but i just want to say that i can honestly see both sides of this. as of right now, i'm sort of in the middle and sort of not. if it comes down to it, i might have to take sai's side, but only if it's a necessary act. i love her and i hate seeing her hurting like this. it really did kinda bring me down a little bit more when i found out that she was hurt so much... and what she did last night.
i'm pretty sure i failed a conprehensive test in chemistry today. if nothing else, i MIGHT have gotten a D, and i'll be amazed if it's any higher. so, my B in that class as of right now will turn into a C or D by the time progress reports come out next week. i thought that i was going to do well then found that i had studied things that weren't even mentioned on the test. oh well, i hope the A in math will make my parents feel better about the chemistry grade.
today, kristen was kinda pissy. it's understandable, she's under a lot of stress right now. it's just, i couldn't even get her to talk to me that much, except at break when i found that it was stress getting to her. and i will admit it, i felt a little bad at lunch when she was talking mostly to elsbe, but i can seriously understand why. i generally get to her when she's stressed and cause a blow up to happen, so i guess she was trying to avoid that, conciously or unconciously, i'm not sure which. but, it's okay. plus, i generally dont allow myself to feel little pings of jealousy like that... i'm officially getting mucho stressed.
lisa. i got home today and found out about sai and everything started culminating at once and getting to me, and i kinda took it out on her. i didn't mean to, but i did. no matter what i said, it ended up having an attitude or something to it. i've ended up crying a couple of times, because i honestly dont know what to do about all of this. i mean, this time last year, i would have cut myself up by now. she's actually keeping me from that again, whether she notices it or not. it's just... right now, i really, really, really want to talk to her, but i dont feel like talking to anyone. and after i told her that, she dealt me two low blows in the course of five minutes...
does that mean you dont want to talk to elsbeth or even kristen too?
that hurt so damn much, it's not even funny, though i can see why she'd say it. yes, i will admit, they are a little closer to me a lot of the time because i see them from day to day, there's physical contact and they live relatively close to me, so it's easier to get to them. but, that doesn't mean that i dont love lisa the same amount. she's on my mind a lot of the day, the same amount of time that kristen, elsbe, ashley, christina and kasai are. and as you know, i dont necessarily consider kasai and christina to be sisters to me, though christina is pretty close. but, that was about the lowest blow she could have dealt me. well, close to it. here's the other:
me: i love you, though i get a feeling that might matter so much right now...
lisa: *gets offline*
...
ouch.
just... ouch.
i'm not really mad at her, because i can see where she's coming from on that, but it still hurts like hell.
another thing getting to me, is that ashley and i have really been trying to talk and stuff, and she was supposed to give me notes friday and today about what's been going on. i have yet to see either of them. it was things that she couldn't say on the phone because other people could hear her and all that, so i guess i'm just kinda hangin out till she can give me those notes. i'm kinda worried about her, cause she'd seemed kinda stressed out last time i talked to her too.
i'm gonna give up on trying to write substance for right now. i'll try to write a little clearer tomorrow. and by the way, comment and tell me how you like the new layout =). i know some people think it sucks, while others really like it. guess it depends on who sees it.
layout and all content ©coyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.