my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
lunch without kristen or elsbeth is a very lonely thing for me. i just went over with everyone else, opened my mouth to say something and was immediately told SHHH!
you know, people wonder how someone can get to the point where killing themselves or hurting someone else are the only options. i can tell you why. it happens when a person is so easily pushed aside, referred to only in pronouns and ignored before even taking any action in the first place. their sense of worth and confidence is greatly impaired when no one notices their existance, even moreso if it occurs among "friends," among family.
at night, i'll try to tel lmy parents something and immediately get told to shut up. they think their nightly dose of the "real world" is more important than their daughter. these "real worlds" generally consist of crime scenes, overrun hospitals and the final frontier of space. of course, it's more important to hear judge amy gray's virdict than their daughter's problems. how could i be so stupid to think otherwise?
i'm sitting over here, watching everyone sit together and talk, and it sickens me. it sickens me that, for no reason, they choose to exclude someone.
yup, lunch without kristen or elsbeth is a very lonely thing for me. especially when no one else will include me in what's going on.
one plus about being left alone during lunch is the ability to think clearly by myself. i can lean on the wall, look up at the clear blue sky and snuggle up under my jacket while sorting everything out in the depths of my mind. if someone saw me, they'd probably assume that i'm someone who likes being alone and doesn't like being included in everything... that's so extremely wrong, it's not funny.
i love being able to be included. it's fun when everyone is included in things and there isn't anyone just sitting there, dully looking around at everything and everyone, trying to get something in from time to time, but being ignored. i know all too well what it's like to be that person, and it's no fun.
*sigh,* lunch without kristen or elsbeth is a very lonely thing for me.
5:03 p.m.
right now, i'd like to say thank you very much to someone. i recieved the city of angels soundtrack in the mail today off of my amazon.com wishlist. thank you, graeme! i really appreciate the gesture!
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.