my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
lately, i've found myself comfortable in a lot of different situations that i haven't always been comfortable in before.
for instance, last night, we went to cici's pizza for dinner, which has a mini arcade in the back. and we've all heard of that race car game, cruzin' usa, by now. well, i played the extreme one, the one that's all over the world.
you have to understand, i love race car video games similar to that one, where you are actually at the wheel and can move it on your own. one of the ones that isn't for little kids that steers on it's own. no, i like taking control of my hellion of a vehicle. i've always loved speed and going fast, especially in those games.
anyway, i was given a dollar to race it a couple of times. for the first time, i finished in second and third. i rarely went off the road. it was just...peaceful to me, in a way, last night. even with all the other people playing games around me and yelling at them, i found peace in driving that little digital hellion. i didn't yell at it once, didn't ever think that something that happened wasn't fair...i just...i had fun actually.
and, just now, when i was doing a review for dork, there wasn't anyone talking to me on instant messenger. i was just sitting ehre listening to course of nature, reading a diary and reviewing it. it seems something simple, but, i just enjoyed being left alone, for once. i hate being alone, we all know that, but sometimes...it just does some good to be alone with your thoughts and something to keep you busy.
i remember a time when i used to live for being alone all the time. i wanted to be alone in the house, phone to myself, everything. but then, people weren't home to call when i was alone. slowly, i felt more and more alone when no one was there.
see, i wasn't always the way i am now. i wasn't always scared of loneliness, scared of not having someone here with me, or simply on the phone, and these days, instant messengers. i used to thrive on being alone with my thoughts, figuring things out on my own with no distractions. and now, it feels like i might be getting back to that place, in a way. things have just been easier lately. i've been able to think things though, i've been able to think alone while no one is online, and while friends are out of town. i haven't had the distraction, disgression, opinions, and sometimes, arguments with other people on things that are or were on my mind.
i'm beginning to live again.
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.