my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
i find it hard to not think of lisa after a night like tonight. especially because this time, i somewhat played a role in why she felt the way she did, and no one can convince me of anything different.
well, first of all, you have to know what all happened today.
as you already know, today i saw a psychologist. he almost immeciately told me that not only am i severely depressed, but i absolutely should start taking medication. we talked a little while, and it all felt like i was saying the exact same things i had told my therapist the first time. he told me all of the symptoms of depression, all of which i happen to have, and then he brought mom in. it was decided that i'm starting prozac on saturday morning.
i got home, and lisa was there soon after. we talked for a while, and she looked things up on prozac, because she was somewhat concerned about what it might end up doing. on one site, she found a depression test. she took it, and got a fourty eight, and fifty is when you should tell a doctor. i took it after her...seventy three, almost seventy four. i showed her the results of the test, and one of the questions had asked something along the lines of do you think that people would be better off without you?, to which i had answered often or all of the time, i forget which. this hit her hard because i hadn't told anyone about this. including her. she told me that she'd be right back after not talking to me for a little bit. then she was gone from instant messengers all of a sudden after being gone for a long time. no goodbye, no nothing, not even letting me know that she had been back.
two or three hours later, she came back online. at this point, i hadn't known i was the reason she had left in the first place. she told me that she had cried herself to sleep because of that answer. then she told me what else had happened.
her dad had come in and seen the computer was on. he instantly went nuts. he was the one who turned off the computer, and then he started screaming at lisa. he got a trash bag and threw away almost everything that was on the floor, including papers, notes, and pictures. he continued screaming at lisa, and, of course, her mother joined in as well. lisa hadn't even done anything. she more than likely didn't mean to fall asleep with the computer on. i know her, that happens sometimes.
after doing something that her mother had yelled at her to do, lisa went in her room, and took out her newfound suicidal thoughts on a piece of paper. my little sister was getting suicidal for the first time in a long time...i'm proud of her for lasting this long...i would have caved by now... then her mom came in and gave her a piece of mail she had recieved. it was a thank you note for a birthday present, and there was a picture of the people at the party on the front. lisa took it as a sign that someone cares about her, and fought the urge to hurt herself.
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as my dad and i have a playful fight, i'm reminded of this. i think of how i can be messing around with my parents sometimes, but lisa practically can't.
the way i see it, she doesn't deserve any of this. she doesn't even do anything, and her parents treat her like this now. they treat her like they wouldn't even claim her. like she's not even a part of their family. her mom has even told her that she hates her and loves her younger brother. it's like she's a disease that they're plagued to have to live with. they must be glad at the thought of it only being three more years before she can move out..
honestly, if we lived close to each other, my mom would have probably just gone and picked her up tonight. she would have been taken away from that hell for a night or two...or until she was ready to go back. we did it for brandi on more than one occasion. add in the fact that her mother has made a habit of physically hurting her lately, and we'd be at her door in a new york minute (pun intended). my parents may get bad, but they draw the line there because of their pasts. and i dont have an extra room for nothing...
she doesn't deserve any of this. she's a smart, beautiful, caring, loving person, who has yet to show me anything horrible about her. i just wish that her parents would open their god damned eyes and see the person i love..before they end up losing her. not necessairly to suicide..but to hatred. the point of hate where it can never be the same again..where they are well on their way of being. they've torn apart her spirit enough, she needs to be able to breathe without being yelled at for doing so...
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.