my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
quite a few things i'm amazed with right now.
number one. damn, it's august. only three and a half more weeks till school *supposedly* starts. (rumors we'll go back later due to asbestos while putting in the air conditioning. none positive yet.)
number two. not only is it ten in the morning, and i'm awake with no plans of taking a nap any time soon, but i'm clean, my hair is drying, and i'm almost fully dressed. gimme a pair of shoes and socks, and i'm all set to go! amazing, isn't it.
number three. i've done some thinking lately and have come up with a list of things that i think i have problems with, or that i "suffer" from. a majority of these things are bad, but some of them are good. i'll give my personal definitions after the list:
helplessness
hopelessness
attachment
loving to much
loneliness
fear of being alone
over-affectionate
intuitiveness
fear of fucking up
inability to trust
definitions and reasons:
helplessness - feeling as if no one in the world can help you, even if you have soneone, or many someones there trying to. feeling that there is nothing in the world that can help you.
i dont know when it started, i dont know why it started, and i dont know why i feel it. i know that certain people are trying to help me get out of this without the use of medicine, and therapy for that matter, but all of those people has told me that i need the latter of those, and at least two (that come to mind) have told me that i need the first.
hopelessness - having hope in little to nothing in life. feeling that nothing in life is worth anything, and that there is no hope in succeeding in anything.
there are times when this tries to take over a lot of my mind. and a lot of times, i just let it take over, because i have no willpower to fight it anymore. a lot of times, it's when talking to someone that it tries to worm it's little way into me, and when it does, i generally shut down and i'm just...quiet. i hate that.
attachment - the point where you feel you cannot live without one or many things. something or someone that you have come to depend on, and you feel you wouldn't have been the same without.
previous entries as evidence, i know that this is one of my ailments. it feels like i can't live without certain people, music, poems, writing and various other things. actually..that's just about it. i've come to depend on these people and things a little too much, and i seem to be crushed or broken when even one of these things is taken away or drastically changed.
loving too much - similar to attachment. loving too much can be described as caring too much about someone. generally healthy to care about and to love, loving too much can be hazardous, and lead to more pain than necessary at times.
i think everyone feels this at some point and time. there is constantly someone in my life who i end up letting in, and i end up always trying to make them happy, forgetting about myself, and somehow there is always a drastic change, and they generally leave. as stated before, two have passed the test of time, and one is well on her way, but it is still something that should be worked on.
loneliness - a constant feeling of being alone and having no one there, even if there is someone there with you. i.e. feeling lonely in a crowd or group of friends.
it seems that i feel like this all the time these days. it just, doesn't leave me, no matter who i'm with, or what i'm doing, it's always there in small proportions. sometimes larger, which results in the crying and clingyness to my stuffed animals. "it's just someone to hug and everything while no one else is there," is what i've convinced myself of. but when someone is actually there with me, i dont hug them, i dont do anything.
fear of being alone - contradiction of lineliness. feelings of needing to be with or around someone at all times, with a result of being insecure if one actually is alone.
i truely am afraid of being alone, which makes the loneliness even harder on me. i hate being emotionally or spiritually alone, but nowhere near as much as i do physically. although the first two are harder on me, i just, i have this thing with having someone at least in the same building as me. i hate being completely alone.
over-affectionate - also known as being a snuggle, cuddle, or hug whore, being over-affectionate isn't necessarily a bad thing, it just depends on if there is someone there to share the affection with.
something that not many people in my day to day life outside of this room know, i love hugs and all of that stuff. i love giving and recieving them. but, most people precieve me as someone who wouldn't like things of that sort. very few people know the truth, and fewer do i just randomly open up and hug out of nowhere.
intuitiveness - feeling or knowing something is going to happen or has happened somewhere inside of you. not necessarily involving you, this can involve something that has happened with a close friend or family member.
this would be something that has plagued me since about sixth grade. constant stomach aches for a few weeks whenever something is going on with someone, and then they go away for a coouple of months. then the return, then they go away...it's a constant cycle. though this isn't always a bad thing, i just wish there were another way of knowing, other than more pain. it's a somewhat nice way of knowing if there's something wrong.
fear of fucking up - a very blunt way of putting it, it almost defines itself. a definate fear is present that one is afraid of messing things up with something or someone, possibly a relationship or a opportunity to do something.
as we can all tell from last night, there is a constant fear of messing up close relationships, even people who i know wont leave me like that. examples are ashley, kristen and lisa. i'm always afraid that i'm going to do something to mess up our relationships, because it's been done in the past a lot and often.
inability to trust - the inability to trust people comes from things that have happened in the past or things that one has been taught. it becomes hard for one to trust new people and sometimes just to trust people that have been there.
i've had trust issues for years now. it's hard for me to trust anyone, and for me to have let as many people in as there are now, is a big thing. especially the few who are closer than anyone else has been. things have happened so much in my life to make me lose trust in people and show me that i shouldn't have trusted them in the first place, that i just dont let anyone in anymore. it's basically set in my mind that the people that are here now are going to be it.
yep, that's all basically me in a nutshell. well, a very large and long winded nutshell, but a nutshell nonetheless. hopefully i've made it easier for some people to see why i'm the way i am now.
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.