my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
on my birthday, i found out that one of the people who used to love me to pieces doesn't like me anymore. sure, it's a five year old, but i remember when i was her favorite person to be around. she's what kept me going.
aunt robin: ok lois, we need to leave. go say happy birthday to landa
lois: no!
robin: why not? she always tells you happy birthday.
lois: i dont wanna. i dont like landa.
...
when she was a baby, i remember her face just lighting up when i walked into her living room and she would crawl or walk over to me and sit in my lap, and just hug me. i still remember the first time that she said, i love you landa.
and now she wont even come over to me anymore. if she hears that i'm anywhere near, she'll go over to my mom saying annie, annie! and leave me standing there.
as of now, there are five reasons that i'm alive. my faith and love for kristen, lisa, ashley, christina and kasai. that is what keeps me going. that is why i get out of bed everyday, and not just stay there and sleep forever. that is what keeps me from cutting the shit out of my arm like i used to. that is what keeps me from finding a cliff that i know exists in the woods. that is what keeps me alive. even if i were to lose all but one of these people, i would still be here, because i would end up letting them down if i weren't.
it's a good thing that i can see reminders of them everywhere, or i might just have gone nuts earlier. christina offering to call me helped in that, but that's another story. jasmine, my big tiger, has the same color eyes as kristen does when they're that yellow color. hence jasmine's middle name, which is also kristen's, but i'm nice enough not to publically announce her name. there are reminders of lisa all around my room. moulin rouge songs make me think of christina, since i found out that she liked the elephant love medley just about as much as i do. sai, i looked at my calander and saw the date in august when she'll be in town. that gave me something to look forward to. ashley's pictures are all over my friends wall, so it's pretty hard to miss her.
all five of these people, whether they knew it or not before reading this entry, all have a way in persuading me to do things. whether it be stay alive, stay online a little bit longer, sending something to them, talking just that extra ten minutes on the phone, hanging up when we really need to...just about anything really. anything that will keep them happy.
and if it makes them happy if i'm happy...then i have to try as hard as i can, because i dont want to let them down. if happiness comes with the package, then go me, i'm actually happy again. if not, then i'll go through everything that i go through just to keep them happy.
is this making sence to anyone else?
i dunno, it's just..very few people in my life to i allow to have any kind of power over me, and rarely do i let anyone get anywhere near close to me. i'm still learning about this so-called friendship thing. these are my teachers. these are the ones who i've let in. these are the ones who have some sort of power over me in some way of their own. these are the ones who i would trust with my life, if it all came down to it.
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.