my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
ok, this IS long, and there ARE different subjects all throughout, but they all fall under the same thing to me. they all have to do with the song lyrics that are in for the title of this. they're all eating away at me as we speak...
i was planning on putting up a new layout today, but right now at least, it looks like my battles are far from over.
you would think that your parents would give a shit if they were causing immense amounts of pain and yelling and tears from their own child. but, mine dont.
i evidently have weird ears, have had since i was little, and they get messed up from time to time and have to be cleaned out.
(this is where you can laugh at me for being weird.)
they started going at it with a bobby pin.
do you have any idea how it feels to have someone forcefully digging something like that in your head and twisting it around? i seriously thought that i was bleeding for a while, cause it felt so cold. generally a cold feeling like the one that i had at that moment is one that means bleeding, at least for me.
i had my head laying on the table, and had a literal puddle of tears underneath where i had rested my head. if i were to open my eyes, i saw my mom standing somewhat behind me, at least from my view, dad standing there with a flashlight and three hands going at my head. dad was holding a part of my ear out of the way while mom went scraping around in the inside, and after a while, it felt like she was doing it just to hurt me. she wasn't getting anything. it felt like she was just trying to prove a dominance or something.
3:52 pm
alright, christina called me and we talked for over an hour just now. the cd i was listening to just kinda made me start crying out of nowhere...so she called me on a phone card. i think i feel better now. thanks for putting up with my shit christina.
back to my original point.
i was just laying there crying and yelling after a while, and they eventually let me go.
i told mom i was checking email and came back and got on msn. carol was on, so i told her that my parents had just hurt me so much it's not even funny. she wanted to know if she could come over and talk or something, and, amazing enough, my parents said it was okay as long as we weren't outside since it was hot. of course, the one time someone tries to be a true friend, they can't..her parents said that she couldn't. i'm like five minutes away from her house, she could have made her curfew, but they wouldn't let her go.
i wrote lisa an email, and forced myself to go back in the living room with them. the rest of the night consisted of the robin williams special that was on hbo, and me acting like i was fine cause they thrive on my weakness.
and i went to bed.
i went to bed thinking about all that had happened yesterday.
something that i haven't said yet, is that kristen was online yesterday. i imed her, and she told me that her grandma was in the hospital. she'd said that she had just been there the day before talking about the past and all that, and yesterday she was in the hospital, and sounded from what i heard very close to a heart attack. but they fixed that and they're keeping her for a couple days.
i had no idea how she was feeling, cause i wasn't exactly hearing her voice, cause i can generally tell from that, but if she felt bad, i think i might have helped her feel better.
then it was her turn again.
i forget how we got on the subject, probably me saying "o! guess what!", but i told her about what i sent lisa and how it's, in a way, turning into torture talking to her. i mean, i love talking to her when i do, but i want to be there. it's torturing me how i can't be there with her when she needs me, how i can't hug her when she needs one, how i can't just go over to her house for no reason. it's a torture that would almost be like ripping kristen or ashley away from me forever. i'd just...die. or want to die. if it would be a way they could come back, i would. it's almost to the point where, if it had to be, i would die after being there, just so i could be there once, to give one real hug and comfort. to feel real happiness again.
i know that seems like a lot for someone who i've never even met in my life, but it's not too much to me. you'd almost have to be me, or be in the same exact situation with someone else who you've grown to love in the past year, but have never seen.
wow. it's almost been a year since we met. it feels like it's been forever already...
that's what made me cry earlier. listening to the cd that lisa sent me. each and every song on that cd all have a diferent meaning to me, and most of them, well all but two that i didn't know, are deep and strong ones. the kind of things that don't go away. the ones that are in your heart forever.
another thing that kristen and i talked about is the fact that i've cried more than ten times in the past week. i have three times today, one with lisa, one before christina called me, and once while we were talking, but i'm not sure she knew about it until now. i'm good at the silent crying thing. my parents only know about the crying i did last night when they were trying to scrape my brains out. one thing i'm gonna remember, is that i said i knew nothing had happened, just tell my eyes that. she said eyes, this is not niagra falls, stop. that's kristen.
ok, i'm starting a new entry for the rest of what i was going to say. this IS getting a little long. it's having the same title with a part 2 at the end, you'll have to deal with it.
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.