my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
tonight's disclaimer: it was after midnight when this entry was finished, and i was still going on three hours of sleep. please excuse the rambling of what all happened today, it does come to a point at the end. thank you for your support.
some days, when it just feels like everything is just going wrong, someone is there to pick you back up. i hung up with my someone about a half hour ago.
today started off bad and stayed that way for a while. i mean, i was in a great mood, but it was a bad day. started off with seeing someone that i didn't really want to see early in the morning with no warning. april woke me up when she dropped levi off. i yelled out "o shit!" cause she really did scare me. thing is, i had only had three hours of sleep, and i was wide awake after she did that. so, i was up at 7:30 in the morning for no good reason.
as the day went, it came time for my "doctor appointment", and i had to leave. i had really been hoping to talk to lisa before i left, but she was out with her friend sarah which she doesn't do all the time, so i was really alright with that, just a teeny bit disappointed. mom and i got VERY lost trying to find the street we were supposed to turn down, and i was almost late for my appointment, not getting there the thirty minutes early that they had requested because we were lost. we got there with enough time to fill out the paperwork though. i took a look at it...it's going to be $100 per 50 minute session after the first four free ones. goddess, i know we can't afford that.. yes, i'm not officially in the theropy that i was told i needed.
i got home from that at around five, and lisa and i got to talk for a few minutes before she went to go eat dinner. i had started feeling really lonely, and a nerve tht's messed up in my leg had started messing up real bad again, so i was crying by the time that she left, and she didn't know it. there was a whole big thing that had gone on that factores in with my crying too, but i dont want to get in to that right now. it's something that i'd rather say some other time. but, it was something enough that i was all sad and everything again.
when i tried to call ashley, there was no answer, so i went in my room and lay down a while, trying to calm down again. as soon as i got out, gwen came home and informed me that kristen had called while i was gone. i had to almost run back to my room cause i was crying again. there was no way that i could call her back cause her cell phone was messed up, and out of everyone, at that moment, it felt like she was the one i needed to talk to. not only that, but i felt alone. i called around everywhere, and no one was there.
so, even though i knew that she wouldn't get it, i called and left a voice mail message on kristen's cell phone. i came back to talk to lisa, and kristen called a little bit later. she told me that she'd forgotten that i had that appointment today and remembered when gwen told her i wasn't home. so, she was calling me back. we talked for a good long time, and i hadn't realised how long it'd been that i ha left lisa back here without me. i came back in here, apologised, and told her that i'd be back in a little bit, and if not, that i would talk to her tomorrow. you see, kristen and i were having a real conversation, like the ones that we normally have when she's home and we're just talking on the phone to each other. we hadn't done that yet all summer. and lisa took it the wrong way and got offline. the thing is, kristen has this power to make me feel better about a lot of things. i had been all depressed when i called her, but i was damn near chipper when we hung up. another one of the many reasons i love my big sis.
i kept talking to kristen. we talked for a good hour that time, and then she hung up cause she was still on a phone card. we had negotiated that i would call her at nine thirty on mom's cell phone because it has free long distance at night. i rushed through dinner to call her back because i was actually getting lonely again. so, at nine thirty, i called back. and we had one of our real talks again. i went outside in the back of dad's truck looking up at the sky while i was talking to her...*sigh* two of my favorite things at once. a clearish night sky, and kristen, hehe.
it was about this time when she said "oh my god! my cell phone just came on! yay!" see, it had been a few days since it had come on, and she thought that she had broken it. and mom and dad came outside wanting to go somewhere, so i had to hang up and give mom's phone back. kristen called back on her cell phone and we got into some really deep stuff...some of it stuff that no one else knows about me, and i'd really like to keep it that way. we were on her phone for about an hour and a half...so we both were praying that she had free nights, hehe.
at about eleven thirty, we said goodnight for fear that she didn't have free nights on that phone. i've actually been pretty calm since we hung up, and feeling a lot better now that we got to talk and everything. it's like, she's someone that i can, inadvertantly, open up to a lot easier than other people. i dont know why, maybe it's something about her personality, but it's just easier to talk to her than other people a lot of the time. i dont end up feeling bad when i tell her something that i've never told anyone before. io guess it's because i know that she wouldn't judge me on something like that.
well, i'm sorry this was a lot just like, about my day and all, but it all led up to what i was talking about. plus, the fact that it's after midnight and i'm still going on three hours of sleep. in fact, i'm making a disclaimer at the top of this entry right now saying that. and i'm thinking out loud on the keyboard...
g'night everyone.
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.