my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
"books! and cleverness! there are more important things - friendship and bravery..." - hermione in harry potter and the sorcerer's stone
that's something that i started learning a long time ago and moreso this year.
in eighth grade, i was used to being the one who got all the A's and was always on honor roll. there was a big change. well, not really big, but to me at the time, it was the worst thing to ever happen to me. i got a C+ in geometry. i wanted to die because i only had five A's out of seven classes, my spanish grade being a B+.
this is also the year that i met kristen, meg, brandi, jessica, and anyone else that i talked to in eighth grade. i started learning what friendship is. before then, the only person who i knew and am currently still friends with is ashley. see, kathy still picked on me in eighth grade with samantha and everyone else in the back of the bus. its a long story, but these people had picked on me since kindergarten and first grade.
these new people who came into my life at this time, they started showing me what true friendship is. i started to open up a little more and not be anywhere near as shy as i was, and they helped to pull me out of my shell. they cared about me...something that was new to me at that time, or at least, relatively new. they payed attention when no one else did. i had five best friends at one point, who, in thinking back, were mainly my friends at that time. they were kristen, meg, bobbie (yes, we were once friends), ashley and brandi. two of the three have really stuck.
in nineth grade, brandi and i drifted. meg and i talked less. bobbie gave me a note saying that i was taking her best friend, kristen, away from her. kristen and i passed about a total of four hundred notes back and forth because we didn't have any classes together and caught each other at breaks. (yes, at one point, kristen and i counted our notes from each other, around two hundred each, i do believe.) ashley and i talked more and did some more stuff together, given that i hadn't even gone to her house until the first day of eighth grade.
and my grades started to slip a little more. i was trying as hard as i could, and i was still slipping. i suddenly realised that i'm not the best at school, but i'm good enough to get by. ashley tried a few times to help me out getting some stuff, and that didn't even help. it was a lost cause. at the end of the year, i had a C in math again, and many B's and B-. i can think of two classes that i had A's in: choir and english. i think the rest were B's and that elusive C.
it was also during that year that the friends that i had and i got closer, and i learned even more about this thing called friendship. i got more brave about talking to people that i didn't know. i was getting over my shyness, in all realms except for singing, which is still a problem today. i daresay that it was the year that ashley and i were closest, and a year of growth with kristen. everyone that i talked to in eighth grade seemed to drift away that year too...and the two other people hat i knew from middle school stopped talking to me.
tommy and lonna decided that one night they would talk about ashley and kristen, to my face, and they never even knew kristen. that's the part that got me most. and lonna thought that ashley hated her, and that she talked about her all the time and all that. granted, i didn't know ashley so well in sixth grade when all this supposedly happened, but you would think that after three years, she would get over it somewhat and accept that people change. she didn't. i went off on them both because they had called me on three-way, and i lost two of the best friends that i'd ever had. it tore me apart for a long time that i'd done that. but, i did it, and i made it through.
and, finally, this past year. ashley and i have started to drift, but we're definately catching up now. kristen and i are extremely close, and she's made it up to the family status that ashley had claimed so long ago. i met all the guys this year too, heh. they're great, lol. meg and i have talked more this year than we did last. and, in august, i met lisa. lisa's gotten to that family status a lot faster than anyone else in my life ever has. about the time i got this diary, i met blaze and all of blaze's friends, including kasai and may and everyone else. i had met christina, i just didn't remember her name, given that she was going by a different nickname. later on, she got a new screen name and opened up, and now she's one of my best friends, along with kasai.
this is my group. my little clique that i've grown to depend on. if anything were to happen to one of them, i dont know what i would do. i really dont.
and this year also marked the worst grades that i'd ever had. again, i'm trying as hard as i can, but i just either couldn't concentrate, or it wouldn't sink in. kristen got on my case about my math after a while, given that i was making a D in there at one point. she kept me up in the C range for the rest of the year after that. i had a C in english the only two classes that i had an A in were drawing and choir.
whenever i would go to do homework, i would try to concentrate, but my friends would come to mind first. or if something was happening, they came first. thats the way that i've always been and will always be. i treasure the friends that i have now, and i dont want to lose them because i wasn't there or because of something stupid that i couldn't talk through or be there for. most times, the homework got done, until it got overwhelming. then i just stopped trying. yes, i admit, that was a stupid decision. but, i caught back up in extra credit, and i've passed my sophomore year with a 3.2 gpa.
i've made AND kept new friends and old.
i've gained bravery in more points than one.
there's been someone there to care and care about at all times...
that is what matters to me.
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.