my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
last night when i was trying to get to sleep, i realised that i still had my baby blanket on my bed. i took it and wrapped my garfield inside of it and just lay there hugging that...and memories came back to me from when i was younger.
do you remember the days when just your blanket, or something like it, was all that mattered to you? just having it there around you, going to sleep underneath it at night, or enhancing your imagination with it. the first thing that came to mind was when i was given a choice of having that one, or one exactly like it with yellow objects instead of blue with me overnight somewhere. and i picked the blue one, of course. heh, i liked blue from the beginning, just didn't really know it yet.
everyone goes through their little flying stage, or something like it. well, i used to think i was supergirl. i would put on a blue outfit, tape a giant red 's' to my chest, and leap off of the couch. every time, i would think that i was never going to hit the ground, and then ::THUD:: . i'm amazed that i never broke any bones doing that, truely, i am.
as of now, it's hard for me to imagine a time when all that mattered to me were my blankie and my garfi. but, i know it existed. if someone were to take one of them away, i would sit down right there and start crying my ass off until i got it back. even with friends, actually. at least, back at the old house which i moved from when i was five.
slowly, more things started creeping into my worries and cares. amy and elice were my first friends, who lived across the street from me. i remember days when we would just play on the playset in their backyard. i would swing as high as i could and try to touch the tree branch that was above me which i wouldn't even be able to reach now if i tried. then we'd mess around in the street outside their house with a ball or something. (it wasn't a busy street.)
i dont know when it happened. all of these other things taking me over, taking me in. it's all consumed me practically. constantly, there's something else that has me worried or troubled. there's always something that i'm wondering about that seems so important, but ends up as..well..not. not much from what i thought was majorly important about a month ago means anything to me now. that's the way it's always going to be. whatever is seen as important for a period of time will be insignificant later on.
but there's one thing right now that is important to me, and always will be. ashley just got to read that entry that i had written about her a couple of days ago. we talked about it for a while, and she said that she'd noticed it all was happening too. so, for now, one of the main things on my mind is salvaging the friendship that she and i still have, before it disappears. she actually wrote a response in her journal under today's date (given that it's a lj and as result is a blog -_-). that says it a lot better than i can right now, cause my brain is fried and i think i just need to sleep..
but i can't sleep. i have to be up till about ten o'clock tonight to go outside and look at the moon...just a little pact i made with someone i care about before she went out of town, hehe.
*sigh* i miss the days of blankie and garfield...
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.