my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
note: if you didn't see the lyrics that were put in here, go read them before you read this entry.
i just looked up at the time this was started and realised it's taken me an hour to try and figure out how i'm going to say what i want to say.
everyone has had friends that they seem to just grow apart from. slowly, with time, you seem to just do less and less together, but that friendship still feels like it is or should be there. it feels like they should still be just a phone call away, and that you could just go over to each other's houses and just hang out. just be together and talking and having fun again, even after it's felt like ages. we all have a friend kind of like that, right?
well, ashley is starting to feel that way. whenever we're on the phone, it seems like we're sitting in silence, i'm telling her problems, or i'm hearing about tury. the silence occurs a lot more often than any of the others. if ever i make an attempt to do something with her, it's rare that anything can be done. most times she's already got something planned, and most of those times with tury. it's hard just trying to talk a lot of the time, cause i dont know what to talk to her about. i mean, we're not in the "same social group" and everything like that, and things are just different between us. she's the first to know who goes out with who, and i'm the one who couldn't care less, because it doesn't concern me or one of my friends 95% of the time. she's the old navy and nike goddess, while i'm more of a wal-mart girl. we can't even really go through a magazine together cause she thinks all the "cute" stuff is the stuff that i hate and never really want to see on anyone.
i dunno, maybe all of these differences are finally settling in my head. thing is, i love her, and there's no way that i could probably function without knowing that she's there. the same goes with kristen and lisa...it's just that ashley is the longest friendship that i've had. she's my sense of normalcy when everything goes whacko. after a really weird and long day, i can talk to her and feel safe, like nothing has happened, even if the world is falling apart around me. even when i have to ask her what's on tv or what she's listening to because she's being really spacey...thats just ashley. that's who she is. the pepsi girl, heh. (yes, in 7th grade, that was her nickname. she looked and acted like her.) and you can't forget her claim as commercial queen. if i'm crying or just depressed, she just has to repeat one of the commercials that she sees on and it cheers me up. i might not show it, but it happens.
or, at least it used to be that way.
i miss her. there's no other way to say it.
it just feels like she's pulling herself away little by little. i dunno, maybe it's me and my depression, but it feels like she's falling away from me. we both know that we've changed through these past few years, and i figured that we were just alotting for those changes...but it's starting to feel like more. it's just starting to feel like i'm losing her, little by little. i dunno if she notices it or not, or if this is just how i'm feeling, or if i'm really the one pulling away and being blind to it...*sigh*.
i dont want to lose her...not like this...
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.