my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
even though the banquet didn't go too well last night, i got something that was really needed, and has been really needed for a while now later on.
right after i finished that entry last night, we were all going to go to wal-mart. heh, lois ended up staying the night last night too. we were all going to go, then mom realised that lois would need to go to sleep sometime relatively soon to when we were leaving. so, she sent dad and i to go and do stuff. for once, i'm actually glad she did.
almost from the second we got in the truck, dad and i were talking like we used to. there was talking about what may or may not be wrong with me. trying to figure out how to fix that. talking about the banquet. about how i evidently got so used to being the best, and then got to being practically nothing. about how the others are just doing so much more outside of school and that's helping them along, and i cant because the spots are filled or it costs too much. about how i'm so much more than they had ever expected of me. the attitude that i portray towards them, which i am trying to adjust. just...talking.
it's been so long since we've done something like that. i had almost forgotten what it was like, heh. we ended up inadvertantly shopping for mom at wal-mart, and he got me the vanessa carlton cd and cosmo girl for this month, with me practically not asking by much, and nothing like a no coming out of his mouth.
i think he's realising what's going on in my life. he told me how i should just tell people no from time to time. that he found out a long time ago that i seem to just focus on one thing and try to get that done, while i dont spread my time out with other things. i told him that it's just how i run, there are certain people who i will never say no to, because there's no way i can. that would tear me up inside. (certain people being ashley, kristen, and lisa.) i told him that i'm like he is with mom and i, i put them before myself nomatter what. and he's telling me that they're not my family, that a lot of the things are stuff that they should workout on their own. that's why i'm there...i dont want them to be alone in a lot of the things that they're going through, because i know that i wouldn't want to be.
whenever there is nowhere else for me to run, i know that i can run to them, nomatter what. and i hope they know that it is the same way with me. when they have nowhere else to go, i'm always here with open arms, waiting for them to listen, for a hug, to advise, whatever they need. it's just, the bond that we seem to have, that's more of what i call family. that is my definition of family, right there. i mean, with relatives, that bond can be broken, and is, more often than not. but, with people like my "sisters", it's there no matter what. our bonds have withstood the hands of time, and all the changes that have come with it. there have been a lot of things happening, especially recently, that most relatives of mine would just shun and try to ignore. but my sisters and i have worked through it all together. and that's what matters. family can work things out together nomatter what. relatives, the bond can be twisted, bent and broken, but with family, it's there, taking all of the hits it can take and still holding strong.
anyway, back to the point, lol. dad and i went to price chopper to get the groceries we were originally sent out to get. and in price chopper, the conversation changed to high school...and how much it's just flying by now. i dont want it to end the way that it's going. in just a few days, i'm going to be a junior (the seniors are graduating). i'm not ready for that yet. in a couple of weeks, it's going to get harder to keep in touch with kristen, because she'll be everywhere this summer. i'm not ready for that yet. in july, i'm going to be sixteen, and more than likely have so much more responsibilities and everything that the average sixteen year old recieves. i'm not ready for that yet. i'm not going to get to see many of the people that i hang out with at school, because they're going to go do things that i can't, or we'll just lose touch over the summer months again. i'm not ready for that yet. in two short years...i'm going to have to know what i'm doing in my life and grow up. being out in the real world, or in college, and trying for that singing and writing career that i've always wanted. i'm not ready for that yet... and i dont know when or if i'll ever be ready for any of these things...but they're going to happen either way, no matter what i do. i can't change time, or slow it down. but, i can try to have some fun as i go along.
when i got home, i was going to work on my english paper, but mom had recorded the reba season finale, so she had dad and i in there watching it. i think i was done with that at about one thirty, heh. so, i came back here, wrote an email to lisa, and went in my room to listen to that vanessa carlton cd and read that magazine...like i used to do on weekends. come home from being out till about midnight, listen to music, read a magazine or play video games...the difference being that i had fun with my dad instead of friends whom i dont even talk to anymore. that's what made last night special. i learned more about my parents and what they really think about me and themselves last night than i have in a long time...they actually aren't generally the incredible assholes that i always see. it's just taken me this long to find that out *sigh*
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.