my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
living your high school life as second best after being the best for so long hurts like hell. tonight was the choir rewards banquet for women's ensemble (my group) and a capella. and my job was to sit there, smile, and nod.
i sat there and watched all my friends and the people i love go up and get awards...all the sophomores went up there and got something. i was left sitting there smiling and clapping on the brink of what people thought were tears of joy, but were really saying "why aren't i up there too?" ashley got most inspirational second soprano, meg most valuable second soprano, kristen getting many things, and meg getting many more. the people that i am around most and i care about most all got awards. all the other sophomores got awards of some kind...i went home empty handed. i shouldn't even get the award for getting a one at regionals that everyone is getting because i didn't really get a one at regionals.
that was the only thing i got to stand up for...for women's getting a one at regionals. everyone else in my grade and higher went up at least one more time.
you see, it's not competition to me. it's me seeing all the people i care about doing great and being recognised because they're doing their best and are part of the best for it. and i'm watching from the sidelines, clapping and smiling for them. it didn't used to be that way...i got used to too many years of being the best before i was at sumner, and now i'm almost non-existant when it comes to academics and everything that i've done in high school. it just feels like i'm being left behind and all that. i'm seeing the people i love do all these great things...and i'm there for them all the way...but at the same time i'm dying inside because i'm evidently "not good enough" to recieve any kind of recognition. and i'm sitting here crying as i write this...dammit i cry too much now...
heather's mom met me tonight outside as they were all leaving. she gave me a hug, heh. she didn't want me to feel left out. heather, her sister, and elsbeth all were getting a picture together, and her mom told me to come over and get in. as she was about to take it, she said "ok, hold up what you got!" i held up a peace sign while they held up medals and certificates and flowers.
i see ashley and kristen both in nhs. they always get all a's and maybe one b. they geneerally tell me about their grades before i show them mine...and i dunno, i just feel out of place. they say "well i'm proud of you, youre still doing good!" all the while, i'm screaming and crying inside because i'm so out of place with them. they're my sisters, and always will be, but i'm always going to feel out of place around them. i am the "under achiever" of my group of friends. i am swimming this sea of tears while they've got nothing but joy about all this. no one truely sees or knows how much all this hurts me. i'm not the rock everyone thinks i am, i break down. i cry. i get depressed. i get to the breaking point.
i also found out tonight that my mom isn't a total bitch. i now know where i get my "putting friends first" thing from. she did everything for everyone today and got no recognition other than a hug and a kiss. only after she had everything done did she think of getting her own dinner and getting her own things done. and in that respect...i'm glad i'm like her. there are three things that i'm proud to say i've gotten from her. my eyes, which are a deeper green because of the blue mixed in from dad, but green nonetheless. my singing voice...something that i will always be happy to have, and try to never abuse. and a gentle heart and kind spirit, generally well hidden from most, but quite a few truely see who i am.
so tonight, i'm asking all of you to do one thing for me. always recognise and praise someone you love, someone who never gets it for what they do...or someone who just needs to feel better, for something good that they have done. it will be greatly appreciated by them, and you may make an impact on their life with that one gesture...i know i need something like that.
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.