my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
this entry is somewhat credited to Parade Magazine which appears in sunday papers almost everywhere.
well, i got to call lisa earlier today, hehe. i was wandering around everywhere barefoot. let's see, i walked around my yard, jumped into the bed of dad's truck, and walked down the street to get a paper in pjs and barefoot. it's been a while since i've done all that, but it felt good to do it again, especially because its such a nice day outside today.
well, lisa had been looking at the Parade Magazine in her newspaper, and i remembered that we get that in ours too. the headline: "one in five teens has seriously considered taking his or her own life. how to recognize a cry for help a special report on teen depression." she read me that, and i wanted to go down the street and get a paper so i could read it too, because she told me there was a list of symptoms in it too. she read that while we talked, and told me how much i mean to her...she was so happy that i hadn't done anything on tuesday. "you know that i wouldn't know what to do anymore right? i probably wouldn't trust anyone anymore, or love anyone for a really long time..." i told her that i'd never do anything like that to her and kristen. then she told me that i almost did...thing is, i almost didn't.
inside there's always going to be a part of me that's died because of all the things that i've gone through, including that night and the things leading up to it. this part seems to sometimes take over and coltrol everything that i do. it makes me feel as though i'm totally alone in this world, that no one cares, and that there is no reason that they should care about me in the first place. the small void takes over my whole spirit, and i'm taken in. sometimes for minutes, sometimes for days, and, in the past, weeks and months. this is the depression that i fall into. my mind tells my heart and spirit that there is no reason to be here, that i'm a total screw up, and i should just leave...the term leave used with many meanings.
running away, locking myself up in my room, staying back here typing and talking to people..outing myself...or maybe just a few more scratches. a few more painful reminders of my past. i mean, they only last a day or two, why not do it? it's not like anyone's going to know, i've constantly got long sleeves on. plus, it doesn't hurt as much as it used to anymore. just one more good scratching or cutting...for old time's sake...
thats what my mind tells me. there's only one scar from these incidents that has stayed for about three years now, and i truely dont remember the night i got it. one scar on my left arm...in the shape of a small circle. i pass it as a birth mark to people who ask about it, because it's not big at all. but, deep down i know that it's not a birth mark, that it's from a night when i was at my weakest point. all i remember that night is waking up...i dont remember what i did. and in a way, i'm glad that i dont.
as i read that article, i found out that it's not that i'm simply sad. there's no way, given that i have al of the symptoms that they listed, that i've felt the same way as teh people that they interviewed forit. both people went through depression in their teens, and i can identify with almost everything that they said. here's the list of symptoms:
mood changes including feeling sad, irritable, becoming easily angered or having difficulty getting along with family members
loss of interest in hobbies, sports or social activities
lack of enjoyment even when involved in an activity previously enjoyed
changes in sleep habits such as difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep
changes in appetite -- gaining or losing weight
school difficulties including problems concentrating or a decline in grades
self-criticism even taking blame for things that are not really their fault
yep, i fall under every single one of those. something else they say is yelling at/with your parents all the time, well, we all know that ones true. most of the things talked about in the rest of the article were true for me.
thing is, i can control this most of the time. but, there are times whe i cant, i.e. tuesday. that was the worst time i'd had in about eight months, at least. in those eight months, i've gotten other ways i can deal with all this, just sometimes it doesn't work. sometimes i can't hold my attention on something other than dying. but these times are rare and far between now. certain friends of mine make sure of that.
now, the question is, what would have become of me if i hadn't met these people...what if i had never commented on lisa's mtv profile? what if i had never connected with kristen? what if i had ignored ashley's attempts at friendship? what if i had never even GONE to sumner...things that i'll never know the answer to, and i think it's a good thing for the most part.
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.