my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
after today, fwah, i dunno what to think. i mean, yesterday, i fell apart, that's all there is to it. today, i guess everyone figured that i just needed hugs, cause i got them for once. then there were things going on with one of my friends...ugh...
in first hour, there was aobut 20 minutes of free time at the end, and i wrote kristen a note cause i didn't know if i'd get to talk to her later on today. i basically told her a brief outline of last night...and that i thought of her and lisa and couldn't do it...i told her how she saved me last night, even though she didn't even really know it. then i told her some thank yous, like for being there so much...lastly for caring about and loving me.
so, in second hour, i gave her that at the begining of the hour. around the end we talked a little. she had no idea that i'd gotten that bad again.i mean, it didn't just start a couple nights ago. ALL the stress from lately just seemed to culminate in one night, and last night was it, whether i liked it or not.
also in second hour, i found out what was going on with the shawn and lizzie thing. he got tired of waiting around on her to pick a guy, and he gave up and told her so. he evidently grabbed her arm, and now she's crying abuse on him. thing is, he grabbed one arm...a bruise is on the other, and that could be from, like, softball practice or something.
third hour, kristen and i got in there, and i asked her if she'd think i'm sick if i asked for a hug. she said no, and so i asked if i could have a hug. she said alright, and i got a real hug from her. methinks that might be the first real one, and not an around the neck one, which she hates, lol. *sigh* it felt good to get a hug from my big sister...almost like i needed it...
in sixth hour today...*sigh* someone really hit me hard. but first, there was lunch. i'd said something kinda meanish to shawn, although he knew i was joking around, and i told him going down the hallway to sixth hour taht i would give him a hug at liunch for doing that. so, i went outside, and i told him to turn around, cause his side was to me. he immediately turned with his butt to me and said "go ahead and kick it." i said, no, the other way. he said "oh shit." and i surprised the hell out of him when i gave him a hug. boone yelled "oh my god! landa gave someone a hug! she never does that!" so, today, i got a lot of hugs. hehe, it was almost like people knew that i needed them, cause i got one from at least half of the outside people at lunch.
back to my point about sixth hour. bobbie didn't tell me when it was time to go back, so i was late getting back, by about five to ten minutes. i went over to my seat, and gloria commented on my "not being in the mood for late jokes." "well let's see, last week was it that your friend died, but didn't really die or something? i mean, you have something new every week that puts you in a bad mood. are you EVER in a good mood? i mean, does everything put you in a bad mood or something, cause it must be that way."
i just kinda subconciously sat down in my seat and sat there a while, letting that soak in. i remember hearing bobbie say that it was a long time ago for me, and she actually defended me. but, what was said...it still hit me like a ton of bricks. it took that for me to realise that what she said is basically true. it does seem that something is always going on that i'm not in a good mood in school a lot of the time. the funny thing is, i love being at school, i can see all of my friends. kinda like how kristen's mom wont let us do anything together...i can see her at school. anyone who's always busy, i see at school. same goes for people whom my mother doesn't know and wouldn't let me go anywhere with. that's why i go nuts in the summer, people find things to do, but i can't because the spots are filled, or it costs too much.
after seventh hour, shawn stopped me when i was going to the rlus for hassig's class, kristen kept walking a while. he put his hands on my shoulders and said "lizzie's going around and telling people that i'm trying to kill her now. what am i gonna do?" i said i dunno, but that i'd talk to him tomorow morning, because i wouldn't be able to the rest of the day. that had me thinkin for a while, heh..
i'm sorry, but i know shawn. he can be a crazy fuck at times...but shawn and abusive do NOT go in the same sentence. i know that he wouldn't hurt a girl. i mean, c'mon, mrs. whitney had been egging me on to kick his butt when i was sitting behind him in spanish. sure, every once in a while, i got a weak little kick back, but nothing more. i started to worry about his butt at one point, lol. but, he never EVER hit me back.he doesn't hit girls, and i haven't really seen him hit a guy for that matter. he's just a big sweetheart...a rocker/hacker sweetheart. *sigh* why the hell is lizzie doing this to him?
nothing much else happened today. talking to lisa about yesterday...and about how much better i am today than i was then. it felt good to be able to say that, heh. but, i need some sleep before i pass out. love you guys, goodnight ya'll.
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.