my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
everyone, i just came in a little while ago from pacing the wall in my back yard. it was the smaller one, not the one that's a barrier...or the cliff out back for that matter...dont worry too much. heh...wondering what kind of injuries i could get from coming off either one of them...but, i didn't do it. i couldn't do it.
lisa had gotten home from her concert and read the offline messages i sent her about lying. i was geting dinner when i got back here and missed her by about five seconds. i clicked on the box, she signed out. i ate quickly then went outside, thinking about dong something, but knowing i wouldn't in the back of my mind...
guys, i have to finish this tomorrow...mom...love you all, bye...
Wednesday, May 1, 2002 + 6:38 am + written last night
when i got home today, i was totally ready to just give up. all day, i'd been in an "i dont care anymore/i care too much" mentality. it started last night with dad, went through the school day, and hit me when lisa was told about the lie...
like i'd said before, lisa was in a great mood, and i didn't want to be the one to bring her out of it. so, a little after she'd signed off yahoo, i left offline messages for her saying to ask me about it tomorrow, and that i'd lied. so, while she was performing in her concert, there was something new to concentrate on...talking when she got home tomorrow about today. so when she got on earlier, like i'd told you already, and what happened...i totally wasn't prepared for it. as i went outside, i heard a voice telling me that there was no reason to be here. a voice i hadn't heard in months. a voice i tried hard not to listen to. so, i paced the smaller wall like i used to do when i was depressed. jumped overit from one side to the other a few times. then just sat there, one leg hanging down, the other curled up to my chest as i lay against the house. a calm breeze blew upon my face, through the hair hanging down to either side of it. i remembered why i'm here. i closed my eyes as the wind swept past me and i let my leg go to the other side of the wall. now i was sitting in the middle, both mentally and physycally.
a couple minutes later, i came back inside. i told sai and everyone that i had gotten so close...sev being the only knowing even half of the story, everyone else not knowing a thing. lisa got back on, and we had a LONG talk.
she gave me so many more reasons that i'm still here. "my big sister...one of the few people who i can look up to..." i didn't know she looked up to me. but, cause of the lie...she lost a lot of trust in me. with me knowing her past with broken promises...i know i deserved that one. i can understand why she's more than likely going to be more cautious about me and what i say.
i'm going to say what i told her. kristen today proved that she cares/loves me, and has who knows how many times before. lisa has too many times to count. as long as i know that THAT love is there...from two of the most important people in my life...i will still be here. (ashley isn't left out in this, but she wasn't involved today/tonight in all this.) while they still love me, nothing will happen. like i said before, i'll think, but i dont go through with it.
bout to pass out, so i'm cuttin this, even though i'm not done. thank you, kristen and lisa, for saving me tonight. i love you guys, and always will.
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.