my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
the worst thing in the world to hear is that your best friend...who is like a sister to you...has come extremely close to being severely injured or killed. especially when you find that a weird feeling that you had occured simultaneously with this incident.
lisa got home and came on to talk, like normal. then she told me she came about an inch away from getting hit by a van...my heart stopped. i asked her what time, she said three, which translates to two my time. about that time, i had this really weird feeling come over me. the last time i had had that feeling, april had some something totally stupid and scared the crap outta me. something i would rather not get into. but, i was worried, cause that feeling always means that someone i truely love is in trouble of some kind...which is narrowed down to three people. ashley. kristen. lisa.
thing is, i'm not sure that she could see or tell that i was so scared. i dont show things like that like everyone else. it's a lot more internal than i would like, and that came from what's all happened to mom. when things do hit me, i'm in my room alone, and i just start crying. that happened when one of my teachers were driving me and my friend home because my mom was about a half hour late. we got back, mom was on the floor passed out. 911 was called, and i was told to go in my room and pack to go somewhere overnight. lonna (the friend) stayed in the kitchen with mrs. gast (the teacher) and i heard them talking. "you need to try and stay strong for her right now, she could use a friend like you. i see you guys talking all the time, and she probably needs you there for her right now, so try not to cry if you can. when you get home, cry all you want, but try not to right now." all i remember after hearing that is sitting on the foot of my bed crying as i decided what i was bringing with me to my grandma's house.
when lisa told me what happened, i just kinda sat there thinking fora while. what if that would have happened? what the hell would i do without my little sister? the person who has kept me from being six feet under many a time? one of the people i love most in my life? ...one of the elite few whom i would give my life for..? that had me silent and thinking for a while...heh...while i was talking to her nonetheless. what would i do if something like that happened to one of the above mentioned people?
life goes on, i know that song and dance all too well. i've DONE that song and dance all too many times before. but, in this case, i wouldn't be able to. only thing i can think of happening is the longest deepest depression ever imaginable...lots of writing, and even more isolation. that's the only things i can think of, heh. insanity. unimaginable loneliness. hermit-like tendancies. starvation. many other things which i will not list here.
my heart's back to its normal rate now, but i'm so scared...that it might have actually happened...*sigh* thank goddess it didn't.
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.